THE FIRST STEP.
When he returned from church Nekhludoff broke the fast with his aunts and took a glass of spirits and some wine, having got into that habit while with his regiment, and when he reached his room fell asleep at once, dressed as he was. He was awakened by a knock at the door. He knew it was her knock, and got up, rubbing his eyes and stretching himself.
"Katusha, is it you? Come in," said he.
She opened the door.
"Dinner is ready," she said. She still had on the same white dress, but not the bow in her hair. She looked at him with a smile, as if she had communicated some very good news to him.
"I am coming," he answered, as he rose, taking his comb to arrange his hair.
She stood still for a minute, and he, noticing it, threw down his comb and made a step towards her, but at that very moment she turned suddenly and went with quick light steps along the strip of carpet in the middle of the passage.
"Dear me, what a fool I am," thought Nekhludoff. "Why did I not stop her?" What he wanted her for he did not know himself, but he felt that when she came into his room something should have been done, something that is generally done on such occasions, and that he had left it undone.
"Katusha, wait," he said.
"What do you want?" she said, stopping.
"Nothing, only--" and, with an effort, remembering how men in his position generally behave, he put his arm round her waist.
She stood still and looked into his eyes.
"Don't, Dmitri Ivanovitch, you must not," she said, blushing to tears and pushing away his arm with her strong hard hand. Nekhludoff let her go, and for a moment he felt not only confused and ashamed but disgusted with himself. He should now have believed himself, and then he would have known that this confusion and shame were caused by the best feelings of his soul demanding to be set free; but he thought it was only his stupidity and that he ought to behave as every one else did. He caught her up and kissed her on the neck.
This kiss was very different from that first thoughtless kiss behind the lilac bush, and very different to the kiss this morning in the churchyard. This was a dreadful kiss, and she felt it.
"Oh, what are you doing?" she cried, in a tone as if he had irreparably broken something of priceless value, and ran quickly away.
He came into the dining-room. His aunts, elegantly dressed, their family doctor, and a neighbour were already there. Everything seemed so very ordinary, but in Nekhludoff a storm was raging. He understood nothing of what was being said and gave wrong answers, thinking only of Katusha. The sound of her steps in the passage brought back the thrill of that last kiss and he could think of nothing else. When she came into the room he, without looking round, felt her presence with his whole being and had to force himself not to look at her.
After dinner he at once went into his bedroom and for a long time walked up and down in great excitement, listening to every sound in the house and expecting to hear her steps. The animal man inside him had now not only lifted its head, but had succeeded in trampling under foot the spiritual man of the days of his first visit, and even of that every morning. That dreadful animal man alone now ruled over him.
Though he was watching for her all day he could not manage to meet her alone. She was probably trying to evade him. In the evening, however, she was obliged to go into the room next to his. The doctor had been asked to stay the night, and she had to make his bed. When he heard her go in Nekhludoff followed her, treading softly and holding his breath as if he were going to commit a crime.
She was putting a clean pillow-case on the pillow, holding it by two of its corners with her arms inside the pillow-case. She turned round and smiled, not a happy, joyful smile as before, but in a frightened, piteous way. The smile seemed to tell him that what he was doing was wrong. He stopped for a moment. There was still the possibility of a struggle. The voice of his real love for her, though feebly, was still speaking of her, her feelings, her life. Another voice was saying, "Take care I don't let the opportunity for your own happiness, your own enjoyment, slip by!" And this second voice completely stifled the first. He went up to her with determination and a terrible, ungovernable animal passion took possession of him.
With his arm round he made her sit down on the bed; and feeling that there was something more to be done he sat down beside her.
"Dmitri Ivanovitch, dear! please let me go," she said, with a piteous voice. "Matrona Pavlovna is coming," she cried, tearing herself away. Some one was really coming to the door.
"Well, then, I'll come to you in the night," he whispered. "You'll be alone?"
"What are you thinking of? On no account. No, no!" she said, but only with her lips; the tremulous confusion of her whole being said something very different.
It was Matrona Pavlovna who had come to the door. She came in with a. blanket over her arm, looked reproachfully at Nekhludoff, and began scolding Katusha for having taken the wrong blanket.
Nekhludoff went out in silence, but he did not even feel ashamed. He could see by Matrona Pavlovna's face that she was blaming him, he knew that she was blaming him with reason and felt that he was doing wrong, but this novel, low animal excitement, having freed itself of all the old feelings of real love for Katusha, ruled supreme, leaving room for nothing else. He went about as if demented all the evening, now into his aunts', then back into his own room, then out into the porch, thinking all the time how he could meet her alone; but she avoided him, and Matrona Pavlovna watched her closely.
聶赫留朵夫從教堂回來后，就跟姑媽們一起開齋。為了提提神，他按照軍隊(duì)里的習(xí)慣，喝了伏特加和葡萄酒，然后回到自己房里，和衣倒在床上睡著了。一陣敲門聲把他吵醒。他從敲門聲上聽出，這是她，就揉揉眼睛，伸著懶腰坐起來。
“卡秋莎，是你嗎？進(jìn)來，”他下了床說。
她把房門稍微推開一點(diǎn)。
“請您去吃飯，”她說。
她仍舊穿著那件雪白的連衣裙，但頭發(fā)上的蝴蝶結(jié)不見了。她瞅了一下他的眼睛，滿臉春風(fēng)，仿佛她告訴了他一件特殊的大喜訊。
“我這就來，”他一邊回答，一邊拿起梳子來梳頭發(fā)。
她站在那里沒有走。他一發(fā)覺，就丟下梳子，向她走去。但就在這當(dāng)兒，她敏捷地轉(zhuǎn)過身，象往常那樣，輕快地沿著過道的花地毯走去。
“我真傻，”聶赫留朵夫自言自語，“我為什么不把她留?。俊?BR> 他拔腳跑去，在過道里追上她。
他要拿她怎么樣，連他自己也說不上來。不過他覺得，剛才她走進(jìn)房間，他應(yīng)該象一般人在這種場合那樣，對她做些什么，可是他沒有做。
“卡秋莎，你等一下，”他說。
她回頭一看。
“您要什么？”她停住腳步說，
“沒什么，不過……”
他提起精神，想到一般男人處在這種場合會(huì)怎么辦，就摟住卡秋莎的腰。
她站住了，對他的眼睛瞧瞧。
“別這樣，德米特里·伊凡內(nèi)奇，別這樣，”她臉紅得簡直要哭出來，說，同時(shí)用她那粗糙有力的手推開那只摟住她的胳膊。
聶赫留朵夫放開她，有那么一會(huì)兒，他不僅感到十分羞愧，而且覺得自己可惡。他應(yīng)該相信自己的這種感情，可是他不知道這種羞恥心正是他靈魂里表現(xiàn)出來的尚的感情，反而認(rèn)為他自己愚蠢，他應(yīng)該象一般人那樣行動(dòng)才對。
他又一次追上她，摟住她，吻她的脖子。這一次的吻同前兩次——那次在丁香花壇后面情不自禁的一吻和今天早晨在教堂里的接吻完全不同。這一次的吻是可怕的，這一點(diǎn)她也感覺到了。
“您這是干什么呀？”她驚叫起來，仿佛他打碎了一個(gè)無價(jià)之寶，再也無法補(bǔ)救似的。她拔腳從他身邊跑掉了。
他走到餐廳。兩位盛裝的姑媽、一個(gè)醫(yī)生和一位女鄰居都站在放冷盤的桌旁等著。一切都同平時(shí)一樣，可是聶赫留朵夫心里卻起了風(fēng)暴。人家對他說什么，他根本沒有聽進(jìn)去，回答得牛頭不對馬嘴，一心只想著卡秋莎，回味著剛才在過道里追上她時(shí)的一吻。他沒有心思想別的事。她每次進(jìn)來，他眼睛沒有看她，卻總是真切地感覺到她就在旁邊，他必須竭力克制自己不去看她。
午飯以后，他立刻回到自己屋里，情緒激動(dòng)地走來走去，留神房子里的聲音，希望能聽到她的腳步聲。他身上那個(gè)獸性的人，如今不僅抬起頭來，而且把他初來時(shí)和今天早晨在教堂里還存在的精神的人踩在腳下。如今這個(gè)可怕的獸性的人獨(dú)霸了他的心靈。盡管他一直在守候她，今天他卻毫無機(jī)會(huì)同她單獨(dú)見面。多半是她在躲避他吧。但到了傍晚，她湊巧有事到他隔壁房間里去。原來是醫(yī)生要留下來過夜，卡秋莎只得替他鋪床。聶赫留朵夫一聽見她的腳步聲，就屏住呼吸，躡手躡腳跟著她進(jìn)去，仿佛去干什么犯法的事似的。
她兩只手伸進(jìn)干凈的枕頭套里，抓住枕頭角，回頭看了他一眼，微微一笑，但已不是原先那種輕松愉快的歡笑，而是一種恐懼的可憐巴巴的苦笑。這笑容仿佛向他表示，他這樣做是要不得的。他剎那間楞住了?，F(xiàn)在還能進(jìn)行斗爭。他對她真正愛的聲音，雖然微弱，但畢竟還在響著，他不能不考慮到她，考慮到她的感情，她的生活。但在他的內(nèi)心里還有另一個(gè)聲音：別錯(cuò)過自己的享樂，別錯(cuò)過自己的幸福。后面那個(gè)聲音壓倒了前面的聲音。他斷然走到她跟前。那種按捺不住的可怕獸性控制了他。
聶赫留朵夫摟住她不放，按她坐在床上。他覺得還有些什么事要做，就在她旁邊坐下。
“德米特里·伊凡內(nèi)奇，好少爺，請您放手，”她哀求說。
“瑪特廖娜來了！”她一邊叫，一邊掙脫身子。門外真的傳來了腳步聲。
“那我晚上去找你，”聶赫留朵夫說?！拔堇锊皇侵挥心阋粋€(gè)人嗎？”
“您在說什么？千萬別這樣！別這樣！”她嘴里這么說，而她整個(gè)興奮慌亂的神態(tài)表現(xiàn)出來的卻是另一回事。
來的果然是瑪特廖娜。她走進(jìn)房里，手臂上搭著一條被子，不以為然地對聶赫留朵夫瞅了一眼，責(zé)備卡秋莎拿錯(cuò)了被子。
聶赫留朵夫默默地走了出去。他甚至沒有感到羞恥。他從瑪特廖娜的臉色上看出，她在責(zé)怪他，而且責(zé)怪得有理，因?yàn)樗约阂仓栏傻氖虏粚?，但原先被他對她的純潔愛情壓制著的獸性如今控制了他，霸占了他，把其他一切感情都扼殺了?，F(xiàn)在他知道，要滿足這種獸性該怎么辦，就竭力想辦法。
整個(gè)黃昏他都感到心神不寧，一會(huì)兒走到姑媽們屋里，一會(huì)兒回到自己的房間，一會(huì)兒又走到臺(tái)階上，心里只盤算著一件事，怎樣同她單獨(dú)見面。不過，她在躲避他，而瑪特廖娜卻寸步不離地看住她。
When he returned from church Nekhludoff broke the fast with his aunts and took a glass of spirits and some wine, having got into that habit while with his regiment, and when he reached his room fell asleep at once, dressed as he was. He was awakened by a knock at the door. He knew it was her knock, and got up, rubbing his eyes and stretching himself.
"Katusha, is it you? Come in," said he.
She opened the door.
"Dinner is ready," she said. She still had on the same white dress, but not the bow in her hair. She looked at him with a smile, as if she had communicated some very good news to him.
"I am coming," he answered, as he rose, taking his comb to arrange his hair.
She stood still for a minute, and he, noticing it, threw down his comb and made a step towards her, but at that very moment she turned suddenly and went with quick light steps along the strip of carpet in the middle of the passage.
"Dear me, what a fool I am," thought Nekhludoff. "Why did I not stop her?" What he wanted her for he did not know himself, but he felt that when she came into his room something should have been done, something that is generally done on such occasions, and that he had left it undone.
"Katusha, wait," he said.
"What do you want?" she said, stopping.
"Nothing, only--" and, with an effort, remembering how men in his position generally behave, he put his arm round her waist.
She stood still and looked into his eyes.
"Don't, Dmitri Ivanovitch, you must not," she said, blushing to tears and pushing away his arm with her strong hard hand. Nekhludoff let her go, and for a moment he felt not only confused and ashamed but disgusted with himself. He should now have believed himself, and then he would have known that this confusion and shame were caused by the best feelings of his soul demanding to be set free; but he thought it was only his stupidity and that he ought to behave as every one else did. He caught her up and kissed her on the neck.
This kiss was very different from that first thoughtless kiss behind the lilac bush, and very different to the kiss this morning in the churchyard. This was a dreadful kiss, and she felt it.
"Oh, what are you doing?" she cried, in a tone as if he had irreparably broken something of priceless value, and ran quickly away.
He came into the dining-room. His aunts, elegantly dressed, their family doctor, and a neighbour were already there. Everything seemed so very ordinary, but in Nekhludoff a storm was raging. He understood nothing of what was being said and gave wrong answers, thinking only of Katusha. The sound of her steps in the passage brought back the thrill of that last kiss and he could think of nothing else. When she came into the room he, without looking round, felt her presence with his whole being and had to force himself not to look at her.
After dinner he at once went into his bedroom and for a long time walked up and down in great excitement, listening to every sound in the house and expecting to hear her steps. The animal man inside him had now not only lifted its head, but had succeeded in trampling under foot the spiritual man of the days of his first visit, and even of that every morning. That dreadful animal man alone now ruled over him.
Though he was watching for her all day he could not manage to meet her alone. She was probably trying to evade him. In the evening, however, she was obliged to go into the room next to his. The doctor had been asked to stay the night, and she had to make his bed. When he heard her go in Nekhludoff followed her, treading softly and holding his breath as if he were going to commit a crime.
She was putting a clean pillow-case on the pillow, holding it by two of its corners with her arms inside the pillow-case. She turned round and smiled, not a happy, joyful smile as before, but in a frightened, piteous way. The smile seemed to tell him that what he was doing was wrong. He stopped for a moment. There was still the possibility of a struggle. The voice of his real love for her, though feebly, was still speaking of her, her feelings, her life. Another voice was saying, "Take care I don't let the opportunity for your own happiness, your own enjoyment, slip by!" And this second voice completely stifled the first. He went up to her with determination and a terrible, ungovernable animal passion took possession of him.
With his arm round he made her sit down on the bed; and feeling that there was something more to be done he sat down beside her.
"Dmitri Ivanovitch, dear! please let me go," she said, with a piteous voice. "Matrona Pavlovna is coming," she cried, tearing herself away. Some one was really coming to the door.
"Well, then, I'll come to you in the night," he whispered. "You'll be alone?"
"What are you thinking of? On no account. No, no!" she said, but only with her lips; the tremulous confusion of her whole being said something very different.
It was Matrona Pavlovna who had come to the door. She came in with a. blanket over her arm, looked reproachfully at Nekhludoff, and began scolding Katusha for having taken the wrong blanket.
Nekhludoff went out in silence, but he did not even feel ashamed. He could see by Matrona Pavlovna's face that she was blaming him, he knew that she was blaming him with reason and felt that he was doing wrong, but this novel, low animal excitement, having freed itself of all the old feelings of real love for Katusha, ruled supreme, leaving room for nothing else. He went about as if demented all the evening, now into his aunts', then back into his own room, then out into the porch, thinking all the time how he could meet her alone; but she avoided him, and Matrona Pavlovna watched her closely.
聶赫留朵夫從教堂回來后，就跟姑媽們一起開齋。為了提提神，他按照軍隊(duì)里的習(xí)慣，喝了伏特加和葡萄酒，然后回到自己房里，和衣倒在床上睡著了。一陣敲門聲把他吵醒。他從敲門聲上聽出，這是她，就揉揉眼睛，伸著懶腰坐起來。
“卡秋莎，是你嗎？進(jìn)來，”他下了床說。
她把房門稍微推開一點(diǎn)。
“請您去吃飯，”她說。
她仍舊穿著那件雪白的連衣裙，但頭發(fā)上的蝴蝶結(jié)不見了。她瞅了一下他的眼睛，滿臉春風(fēng)，仿佛她告訴了他一件特殊的大喜訊。
“我這就來，”他一邊回答，一邊拿起梳子來梳頭發(fā)。
她站在那里沒有走。他一發(fā)覺，就丟下梳子，向她走去。但就在這當(dāng)兒，她敏捷地轉(zhuǎn)過身，象往常那樣，輕快地沿著過道的花地毯走去。
“我真傻，”聶赫留朵夫自言自語，“我為什么不把她留?。俊?BR> 他拔腳跑去，在過道里追上她。
他要拿她怎么樣，連他自己也說不上來。不過他覺得，剛才她走進(jìn)房間，他應(yīng)該象一般人在這種場合那樣，對她做些什么，可是他沒有做。
“卡秋莎，你等一下，”他說。
她回頭一看。
“您要什么？”她停住腳步說，
“沒什么，不過……”
他提起精神，想到一般男人處在這種場合會(huì)怎么辦，就摟住卡秋莎的腰。
她站住了，對他的眼睛瞧瞧。
“別這樣，德米特里·伊凡內(nèi)奇，別這樣，”她臉紅得簡直要哭出來，說，同時(shí)用她那粗糙有力的手推開那只摟住她的胳膊。
聶赫留朵夫放開她，有那么一會(huì)兒，他不僅感到十分羞愧，而且覺得自己可惡。他應(yīng)該相信自己的這種感情，可是他不知道這種羞恥心正是他靈魂里表現(xiàn)出來的尚的感情，反而認(rèn)為他自己愚蠢，他應(yīng)該象一般人那樣行動(dòng)才對。
他又一次追上她，摟住她，吻她的脖子。這一次的吻同前兩次——那次在丁香花壇后面情不自禁的一吻和今天早晨在教堂里的接吻完全不同。這一次的吻是可怕的，這一點(diǎn)她也感覺到了。
“您這是干什么呀？”她驚叫起來，仿佛他打碎了一個(gè)無價(jià)之寶，再也無法補(bǔ)救似的。她拔腳從他身邊跑掉了。
他走到餐廳。兩位盛裝的姑媽、一個(gè)醫(yī)生和一位女鄰居都站在放冷盤的桌旁等著。一切都同平時(shí)一樣，可是聶赫留朵夫心里卻起了風(fēng)暴。人家對他說什么，他根本沒有聽進(jìn)去，回答得牛頭不對馬嘴，一心只想著卡秋莎，回味著剛才在過道里追上她時(shí)的一吻。他沒有心思想別的事。她每次進(jìn)來，他眼睛沒有看她，卻總是真切地感覺到她就在旁邊，他必須竭力克制自己不去看她。
午飯以后，他立刻回到自己屋里，情緒激動(dòng)地走來走去，留神房子里的聲音，希望能聽到她的腳步聲。他身上那個(gè)獸性的人，如今不僅抬起頭來，而且把他初來時(shí)和今天早晨在教堂里還存在的精神的人踩在腳下。如今這個(gè)可怕的獸性的人獨(dú)霸了他的心靈。盡管他一直在守候她，今天他卻毫無機(jī)會(huì)同她單獨(dú)見面。多半是她在躲避他吧。但到了傍晚，她湊巧有事到他隔壁房間里去。原來是醫(yī)生要留下來過夜，卡秋莎只得替他鋪床。聶赫留朵夫一聽見她的腳步聲，就屏住呼吸，躡手躡腳跟著她進(jìn)去，仿佛去干什么犯法的事似的。
她兩只手伸進(jìn)干凈的枕頭套里，抓住枕頭角，回頭看了他一眼，微微一笑，但已不是原先那種輕松愉快的歡笑，而是一種恐懼的可憐巴巴的苦笑。這笑容仿佛向他表示，他這樣做是要不得的。他剎那間楞住了?，F(xiàn)在還能進(jìn)行斗爭。他對她真正愛的聲音，雖然微弱，但畢竟還在響著，他不能不考慮到她，考慮到她的感情，她的生活。但在他的內(nèi)心里還有另一個(gè)聲音：別錯(cuò)過自己的享樂，別錯(cuò)過自己的幸福。后面那個(gè)聲音壓倒了前面的聲音。他斷然走到她跟前。那種按捺不住的可怕獸性控制了他。
聶赫留朵夫摟住她不放，按她坐在床上。他覺得還有些什么事要做，就在她旁邊坐下。
“德米特里·伊凡內(nèi)奇，好少爺，請您放手，”她哀求說。
“瑪特廖娜來了！”她一邊叫，一邊掙脫身子。門外真的傳來了腳步聲。
“那我晚上去找你，”聶赫留朵夫說?！拔堇锊皇侵挥心阋粋€(gè)人嗎？”
“您在說什么？千萬別這樣！別這樣！”她嘴里這么說，而她整個(gè)興奮慌亂的神態(tài)表現(xiàn)出來的卻是另一回事。
來的果然是瑪特廖娜。她走進(jìn)房里，手臂上搭著一條被子，不以為然地對聶赫留朵夫瞅了一眼，責(zé)備卡秋莎拿錯(cuò)了被子。
聶赫留朵夫默默地走了出去。他甚至沒有感到羞恥。他從瑪特廖娜的臉色上看出，她在責(zé)怪他，而且責(zé)怪得有理，因?yàn)樗约阂仓栏傻氖虏粚?，但原先被他對她的純潔愛情壓制著的獸性如今控制了他，霸占了他，把其他一切感情都扼殺了?，F(xiàn)在他知道，要滿足這種獸性該怎么辦，就竭力想辦法。
整個(gè)黃昏他都感到心神不寧，一會(huì)兒走到姑媽們屋里，一會(huì)兒回到自己的房間，一會(huì)兒又走到臺(tái)階上，心里只盤算著一件事，怎樣同她單獨(dú)見面。不過，她在躲避他，而瑪特廖娜卻寸步不離地看住她。