I NEVER FOUND out what Hanna did when she wasn’t working and we weren’t together. When I asked, she turned away my questions. We did not have a world that we shared; she gave me the space in her life that she wanted me to have. I had to be content with that. Wanting more, even wanting to know more, was presumption on my part. If we were particularly happy with each other and I asked her something because at that moment it felt as if everything was possible and allowed, then she sometimes ducked my questions, instead of refusing outright to answer them. “The things you ask, kid!” Or she would take my hand and lay it on her stomach. “Are you trying to make holes in me?” Or she would count on her fingers. “Laundry, ironing, sweeping, dusting, shopping, cooking, shake plums out of tree, pick up plums, bring plums home and cook them quick before the little one”—and here she would take hold of the fifth finger of her left hand between her right thumb and forefinger—“eats them all himself.”
I never met her unexpectedly on the street or in a store or a movie theater, although she told me she loved going to the movies, and in our first months together I always wanted to go with her, but she wouldn’t let me. Sometimes we talked about films we had both seen. She went no matter what was showing, and saw everything, from German war and folk movies to Westerns and New Wave films, and I liked what came out of Hollywood, whether it was set in ancient Rome or the Wild West. There was one Western in particular that we both loved: the one with Richard Widmark playing a sheriff who has to fight a duel next morning that he’s bound to lose, and in the evening he knocks on Dorothy Malone’s door—she’s been trying, but failing, to get him to make a break for it. She opens up. “What do you want now? Your whole life in one night?” Sometimes Hanna teased me when I came to her full of desire, with “What do you want now? Your whole life in one hour?”
Only once did I ever see Hanna by chance. It was the end of July or the beginning of August, in the last few days before summer vacation.
Hanna had been behaving oddly for days, moody and peremptory, and at the same time palpably under some kind of pressure that was absolutely tormenting her and left her acutely sensitive and vulnerable. She pulled herself together and held herself tight as if to stop herself from exploding. When I asked what was upsetting her so, she snapped at me. That was hard for me to take. I felt rejected, but I also felt her helplessness, and I tried to be there for her and at the same time to leave her in peace. One day the pressure was gone. At first I thought Hanna was her usual self again. We had not started a new book after the end of War and Peace, but I had promised I’d see to it, and had brought several books to choose from.
But she didn’t want that. “Let me bathe you, kid.”
It wasn’t summer’s humidity that had settled on me like a heavy net when I came into the kitchen. Hanna had turned on the boiler for the bathwater. She filled the tub, put in a few drops of lavender oil, and washed me. She wore her pale blue flowered smock with no underwear underneath; the smock stuck to her sweating body in the hot, damp air. She excited me very much. When we made love, I sensed that she wanted to push me to the point of feeling things I had never felt before, to the point where I could no longer stand it. She also gave herself in a way she had never done before. She didn’t abandon all reserve, she never did that. But it was as if she wanted us to drown together.
“Now go to your friends.” She dismissed me, and I went. The heat stood solidly between the buildings, lay over the fields and gardens, and shimmered above the asphalt. I was numb. At the swimming pool the shrieks of playing, splashing children reached me as if from far, far away. I moved through the world as if it had nothing to do with me nor I with it. I dived into the milky chlorinated water and felt no compulsion to surface again. I lay near the others, listening to them, and found what they said silly and pointless.
Eventually the feeling passed. Eventually it turned into an ordinary afternoon at the swimming pool with homework and volleyball and gossip and flirting. I can’t remember what it was I was doing when I looked up and saw her.
She was standing twenty or thirty meters away, in shorts and an open blouse knotted at the waist, looking at me. I looked back at her. She was too far away for me to read her expression. I didn’t jump to my feet and run to her. Questions raced through my head: Why was she at the pool, did she want to be seen with me, did I want to be seen with her, why had we never met each other by accident, what should I do? Then I stood up. And in that briefest of moments in which I took my eyes off her, she was gone.
Hanna in shorts, with the tails of her blouse knotted, her face turned towards me but with an expression I cannot read at all—that is another picture I have of her.
我一直都不知道漢娜不上班而我們又不在一起時(shí)她做什么。問起她這個(gè)問題，她就駁回我。我們沒有共同的生活世界，她在她的生活中給我留有了她想給予我的一席之地，對此我該滿足了。如果我想知道更多一點(diǎn)，不過是更多一點(diǎn)，那就是膽大妄為了。如果我們在一起感到特別地心滿意足時(shí)，我有一種感覺，現(xiàn)在什么都可以問也允許問，可隨之卻出現(xiàn)了這樣的情況：她不拒絕回答我的問題卻繞開我的問題。"你怎么什么都想知道，小家伙！"或者她把我的手放在她的肚子上："你想讓它被打出洞來嗎？"或者她掰著手指數(shù)："我要洗衣服，熨衣服，打掃衛(wèi)生，買菜做飯，要把李子從樹上搖晃下來，還要把它們抬起來運(yùn)回屋里，盡快把它們做成果醬，否則的話，這個(gè)小東西就吃了。"她把左手的小拇指放到右手的大拇指和食指間，"否則的話，它一個(gè)人就給吃光了。"
我也從來沒有與她不期而遇過，在街上，或者在商店里，在電*，在一些如她所說的經(jīng)常喜歡去的地方，或在最初的幾個(gè)月里我總想和她一起去而她不愿意去的地方。有時(shí)我們談?wù)撐覀z都看過的影片。她毫無選擇地看所有的影片，從德國的戰(zhàn)爭片到家鄉(xiāng)片，從西部片到新浪潮派。我喜歡看好萊塢影片，不論是描寫古羅馬的還是西部片都喜歡。有一部西部片我們兩人都特別喜歡，里查德·魏德馬克扮演一名司法官，他第二天早上必須要和人決斗而且注定要戰(zhàn)敗。晚上，他來到多夢西·馬隆的門前，她徒勞地勸其逃離。她把if打開："你現(xiàn)在要做什么？你為了一個(gè)晚上不要命了嗎？"當(dāng)我滿懷急切的渴望去漢娜那兒時(shí)，她有時(shí)戲弄地對我說："你現(xiàn)在要做什么？為了一個(gè)小時(shí)你不要命了嗎？"
我僅有一次與漢娜不期而遇。那是七月底或八月初，放暑假的前一天。
有好幾天，漢娜的情緒都極不尋常，她任性粗暴同時(shí)明顯地處于一種使其極端痛苦、敏感和脆弱的壓力之下。她在極力控制自己，好像要避免在壓力下徹底崩潰。我問她是什么事情使她如此痛苦，她對此的反應(yīng)是沒好氣地對待我。我不知如何是好，無論如何我不僅感覺到她對我的訓(xùn)斥而且也感覺到了她的無助。我盡量去陪伴她同時(shí)又盡量少打擾她。有一天，這種壓力不見了。于是，我想漢娜又和從前一樣了。我們朗讀完《戰(zhàn)爭與和平》之后沒有馬上開始朗讀另一本書，我已答應(yīng)這事由我來管，并帶了很多書來挑選。
但是她不想挑，"讓我來給你洗澡，小家伙。"
走進(jìn)廚房里，我感到身上像加了一層厚布一樣的悶熱，但是，那不是夏日里的悶熱。漢娜打開了熱水爐，她讓熱水淌著，在里面加了幾滴洗澡的香料之后給我洗澡。在那件淺藍(lán)色的花罩裙下，她沒有穿內(nèi)褲。那件罩裙在潮濕的空氣中貼在了汗淋淋的身上。她把我撩逗得興奮不已。當(dāng)我們做愛時(shí)，我感到她要讓我體驗(yàn)到到目前為止所有的感受，直到我不能承受為止。她對我還從來沒那么傾心過，但又不是絕對傾心，她對我從來沒有絕對傾心過。但是，那情景就好像她要和我一起溺死一樣。
"現(xiàn)在去你的朋友們那兒吧！"她和我告別之后，我就走了。房屋之間、田園之上都籠罩著炎熱，柏油馬路被曬得閃閃發(fā)光。我昏昏沉沉地去了游泳池，那里，孩子們玩耍的喊叫聲、戲水的劈劈啪啪聲傳到了我耳中，好像來自很遙遠(yuǎn)的地方?？偠灾?，我好像在穿過一個(gè)不屬于我的，我也不屬于它的世界。我潛入了乳白色的放有氯氣的水中不想再出來。我躺在其他人旁邊，聽著他們在談?wù)撌裁纯尚Φ暮筒蛔銙忑X的事情。
不知什么時(shí)候這種氣氛消失了，不知什么時(shí)候，游泳池里又變得和往常一樣：做作業(yè)，打排球，聊天，調(diào)情。我已記不得了，當(dāng)我抬頭看到她的時(shí)候我正在做什么。
她站在離我二十到三十米遠(yuǎn)的地方，穿著一條短褲，一件開襟的襯衫，腰間系著帶子，正向我這邊張望。我向她回望過去，離得太遠(yuǎn)，我看不清她的面部表情。我沒有跳起來向她跑過去，我腦子里在想，她為什么在游泳池里？她是否愿意被我看見？她是否愿意我們被別人看到？我是否愿意我們被別人看到？因?yàn)槲覀冞€從未不期而遇過，我該如何是好？隨后，我站了起來，就在我沒有注視她的這一眨眼的工夫里，她離開了。
漢娜穿著短褲，一件開襟襯衫，腰間系著帶子，帶著我看不清的面部表情向我張望著。這也是漢娜留在我腦中的一個(gè)形象。
I never met her unexpectedly on the street or in a store or a movie theater, although she told me she loved going to the movies, and in our first months together I always wanted to go with her, but she wouldn’t let me. Sometimes we talked about films we had both seen. She went no matter what was showing, and saw everything, from German war and folk movies to Westerns and New Wave films, and I liked what came out of Hollywood, whether it was set in ancient Rome or the Wild West. There was one Western in particular that we both loved: the one with Richard Widmark playing a sheriff who has to fight a duel next morning that he’s bound to lose, and in the evening he knocks on Dorothy Malone’s door—she’s been trying, but failing, to get him to make a break for it. She opens up. “What do you want now? Your whole life in one night?” Sometimes Hanna teased me when I came to her full of desire, with “What do you want now? Your whole life in one hour?”
Only once did I ever see Hanna by chance. It was the end of July or the beginning of August, in the last few days before summer vacation.
Hanna had been behaving oddly for days, moody and peremptory, and at the same time palpably under some kind of pressure that was absolutely tormenting her and left her acutely sensitive and vulnerable. She pulled herself together and held herself tight as if to stop herself from exploding. When I asked what was upsetting her so, she snapped at me. That was hard for me to take. I felt rejected, but I also felt her helplessness, and I tried to be there for her and at the same time to leave her in peace. One day the pressure was gone. At first I thought Hanna was her usual self again. We had not started a new book after the end of War and Peace, but I had promised I’d see to it, and had brought several books to choose from.
But she didn’t want that. “Let me bathe you, kid.”
It wasn’t summer’s humidity that had settled on me like a heavy net when I came into the kitchen. Hanna had turned on the boiler for the bathwater. She filled the tub, put in a few drops of lavender oil, and washed me. She wore her pale blue flowered smock with no underwear underneath; the smock stuck to her sweating body in the hot, damp air. She excited me very much. When we made love, I sensed that she wanted to push me to the point of feeling things I had never felt before, to the point where I could no longer stand it. She also gave herself in a way she had never done before. She didn’t abandon all reserve, she never did that. But it was as if she wanted us to drown together.
“Now go to your friends.” She dismissed me, and I went. The heat stood solidly between the buildings, lay over the fields and gardens, and shimmered above the asphalt. I was numb. At the swimming pool the shrieks of playing, splashing children reached me as if from far, far away. I moved through the world as if it had nothing to do with me nor I with it. I dived into the milky chlorinated water and felt no compulsion to surface again. I lay near the others, listening to them, and found what they said silly and pointless.
Eventually the feeling passed. Eventually it turned into an ordinary afternoon at the swimming pool with homework and volleyball and gossip and flirting. I can’t remember what it was I was doing when I looked up and saw her.
She was standing twenty or thirty meters away, in shorts and an open blouse knotted at the waist, looking at me. I looked back at her. She was too far away for me to read her expression. I didn’t jump to my feet and run to her. Questions raced through my head: Why was she at the pool, did she want to be seen with me, did I want to be seen with her, why had we never met each other by accident, what should I do? Then I stood up. And in that briefest of moments in which I took my eyes off her, she was gone.
Hanna in shorts, with the tails of her blouse knotted, her face turned towards me but with an expression I cannot read at all—that is another picture I have of her.
我一直都不知道漢娜不上班而我們又不在一起時(shí)她做什么。問起她這個(gè)問題，她就駁回我。我們沒有共同的生活世界，她在她的生活中給我留有了她想給予我的一席之地，對此我該滿足了。如果我想知道更多一點(diǎn)，不過是更多一點(diǎn)，那就是膽大妄為了。如果我們在一起感到特別地心滿意足時(shí)，我有一種感覺，現(xiàn)在什么都可以問也允許問，可隨之卻出現(xiàn)了這樣的情況：她不拒絕回答我的問題卻繞開我的問題。"你怎么什么都想知道，小家伙！"或者她把我的手放在她的肚子上："你想讓它被打出洞來嗎？"或者她掰著手指數(shù)："我要洗衣服，熨衣服，打掃衛(wèi)生，買菜做飯，要把李子從樹上搖晃下來，還要把它們抬起來運(yùn)回屋里，盡快把它們做成果醬，否則的話，這個(gè)小東西就吃了。"她把左手的小拇指放到右手的大拇指和食指間，"否則的話，它一個(gè)人就給吃光了。"
我也從來沒有與她不期而遇過，在街上，或者在商店里，在電*，在一些如她所說的經(jīng)常喜歡去的地方，或在最初的幾個(gè)月里我總想和她一起去而她不愿意去的地方。有時(shí)我們談?wù)撐覀z都看過的影片。她毫無選擇地看所有的影片，從德國的戰(zhàn)爭片到家鄉(xiāng)片，從西部片到新浪潮派。我喜歡看好萊塢影片，不論是描寫古羅馬的還是西部片都喜歡。有一部西部片我們兩人都特別喜歡，里查德·魏德馬克扮演一名司法官，他第二天早上必須要和人決斗而且注定要戰(zhàn)敗。晚上，他來到多夢西·馬隆的門前，她徒勞地勸其逃離。她把if打開："你現(xiàn)在要做什么？你為了一個(gè)晚上不要命了嗎？"當(dāng)我滿懷急切的渴望去漢娜那兒時(shí)，她有時(shí)戲弄地對我說："你現(xiàn)在要做什么？為了一個(gè)小時(shí)你不要命了嗎？"
我僅有一次與漢娜不期而遇。那是七月底或八月初，放暑假的前一天。
有好幾天，漢娜的情緒都極不尋常，她任性粗暴同時(shí)明顯地處于一種使其極端痛苦、敏感和脆弱的壓力之下。她在極力控制自己，好像要避免在壓力下徹底崩潰。我問她是什么事情使她如此痛苦，她對此的反應(yīng)是沒好氣地對待我。我不知如何是好，無論如何我不僅感覺到她對我的訓(xùn)斥而且也感覺到了她的無助。我盡量去陪伴她同時(shí)又盡量少打擾她。有一天，這種壓力不見了。于是，我想漢娜又和從前一樣了。我們朗讀完《戰(zhàn)爭與和平》之后沒有馬上開始朗讀另一本書，我已答應(yīng)這事由我來管，并帶了很多書來挑選。
但是她不想挑，"讓我來給你洗澡，小家伙。"
走進(jìn)廚房里，我感到身上像加了一層厚布一樣的悶熱，但是，那不是夏日里的悶熱。漢娜打開了熱水爐，她讓熱水淌著，在里面加了幾滴洗澡的香料之后給我洗澡。在那件淺藍(lán)色的花罩裙下，她沒有穿內(nèi)褲。那件罩裙在潮濕的空氣中貼在了汗淋淋的身上。她把我撩逗得興奮不已。當(dāng)我們做愛時(shí)，我感到她要讓我體驗(yàn)到到目前為止所有的感受，直到我不能承受為止。她對我還從來沒那么傾心過，但又不是絕對傾心，她對我從來沒有絕對傾心過。但是，那情景就好像她要和我一起溺死一樣。
"現(xiàn)在去你的朋友們那兒吧！"她和我告別之后，我就走了。房屋之間、田園之上都籠罩著炎熱，柏油馬路被曬得閃閃發(fā)光。我昏昏沉沉地去了游泳池，那里，孩子們玩耍的喊叫聲、戲水的劈劈啪啪聲傳到了我耳中，好像來自很遙遠(yuǎn)的地方?？偠灾?，我好像在穿過一個(gè)不屬于我的，我也不屬于它的世界。我潛入了乳白色的放有氯氣的水中不想再出來。我躺在其他人旁邊，聽著他們在談?wù)撌裁纯尚Φ暮筒蛔銙忑X的事情。
不知什么時(shí)候這種氣氛消失了，不知什么時(shí)候，游泳池里又變得和往常一樣：做作業(yè)，打排球，聊天，調(diào)情。我已記不得了，當(dāng)我抬頭看到她的時(shí)候我正在做什么。
她站在離我二十到三十米遠(yuǎn)的地方，穿著一條短褲，一件開襟的襯衫，腰間系著帶子，正向我這邊張望。我向她回望過去，離得太遠(yuǎn)，我看不清她的面部表情。我沒有跳起來向她跑過去，我腦子里在想，她為什么在游泳池里？她是否愿意被我看見？她是否愿意我們被別人看到？我是否愿意我們被別人看到？因?yàn)槲覀冞€從未不期而遇過，我該如何是好？隨后，我站了起來，就在我沒有注視她的這一眨眼的工夫里，她離開了。
漢娜穿著短褲，一件開襟襯衫，腰間系著帶子，帶著我看不清的面部表情向我張望著。這也是漢娜留在我腦中的一個(gè)形象。