T HEN I began to betray her.
Not that I gave away any secrets or exposed Hanna. I didn’t reveal anything that I should have kept to myself. I kept something to myself that I should have revealed. I didn’t acknowledge her. I know that disavowal is an unusual form of betrayal. From the outside it is impossible to tell if you are disowning someone or simply exercising discretion, being considerate, avoiding embarrassments and sources of irritation. But you, who are doing the disowning, you know what you’re doing. And disavowal pulls the underpinnings away from a relationship just as surely as other more flamboyant types of betrayal.
I no longer remember when I first denied Hanna. Friendships coalesced out of the casual ease of those summer afternoons at the swimming pool. Aside from the boy who sat next to me in school, whom I knew from the old class, the person I liked especially in the new class was Holger Schlüter, who like me was interested in history and literature, and with whom I quickly felt at ease. He also got along with Sophie, who lived a few blocks behind our house, which meant that we went to and from the swimming pool together. At first I told myself that I wasn’t yet close enough to my friends to tell them about Hanna. Then I didn’t find the right opportunity, the right moment, the right words. And finally it was too late to tell them about Hanna, to present her along with all my other youthful secrets. I told myself that talking about her so belatedly would misrepresent things, make it seem as if I had kept silent about Hanna for so long because our relationship wasn’t right and I felt guilty about it. But no matter what I pretended to myself, I knew that I was betraying Hanna when I acted as if I was letting my friends in on everything important in my life but said nothing about Hanna.
The fact that they knew I wasn’t being completely open only made things worse. One evening Sophie and I got caught in a thunderstorm on our way home and took shelter under the overhang of a garden shed in Neuenheimer Feld, which had no university buildings on it then, just fields and gardens. It thundered, the lightning crackled, the wind came in gusts, and rain fell in big heavy drops. At the same time the temperature dropped a good ten degrees. We were freezing, and I put my arm around her.
“You know . . .” She wasn’t looking at me, but out at the rain.
“What?”
“You were sick with hepatitis for a long time. Is that what’s on your mind? Are you afraid you won’t really get well again? Did the doctors say something? And do you have to go to the clinic every day to get tests or transfusions?”
Hanna as illness. I was ashamed. But I really couldn’t start talking about Hanna at this point. “No, Sophie, I’m not sick anymore. My liver is normal, and in a year I’ll even be able to drink alcohol if I want, but I don’t. What’s . . .” Talking about Hanna, I didn’t want to say “what’s bothering me.” “There’s another reason I arrive later or leave earlier.”
“Do you not want to talk about it, or is it that you want to but you don’t know how?”
Did I not want to, or didn’t I know how? I didn’t know the answer. But as we stood there under the lightning, with the explosions of thunder rumbling almost overhead and the pounding of the rain, both freezing, warming each other a little, I had the feeling that I had to tell her, of all people, about Hanna. “Maybe I can tell you some other time.”
But there never was another time.
后來我開始背叛她。
不是我泄露了我們之間的秘密或者出漢娜的丑。我不該講的，什么都沒有講，該講的我也什么都沒講。我沒有透露我和她的關(guān)系。我知道否認是不明顯的、變相的背叛。一個人是否能保守秘密或者是否不承認一件事，是否替他人著想，是否能避免尷尬和令人生氣的場面，從外表上是看不出來的。但是，這個隱瞞心事而不宜的人對此是一清二楚。否認——變相的背叛，會使我們的關(guān)系失去基礎(chǔ)。
我已不記得了，我第一次否認漢娜是什么時候。夏日的午后，游泳池把我們同學(xué)之間的關(guān)系發(fā)展為朋友的關(guān)系。在新班上，除了我的鄰桌以外——他是我原來班上的同學(xué)，我尤其喜歡像我一樣喜愛歷史和文學(xué)的霍爾格·施呂特，我們很快就成為知己。他不久也和索菲成了好朋友。索菲住得離我家不遠，這樣我和她去游泳池同路。起初，我心想，我和朋友之間的信任程度還不足以使我向他們敞開心扉講述我和漢娜的關(guān)系，后來，我又沒有找到合適的機會和恰如其分的言辭。再往后，當(dāng)別人都講述年輕人的秘密時，我再講述漢娜就太遲了。我想，這么晚了才講述漢娜一定會給人造成一種錯誤的印象。我沉默了這么長時間是因為我們的關(guān)系在其他人看來不正常而且我感到內(nèi)疚，可是我知道我只字沒提漢娜是對她的背叛，我這樣做似乎是想讓朋友們知道什么是我生活中重要的事情，實際上也是在自欺欺人。
盡管他們注意到我不是很坦率，但這并未改變我的緘口。有一天晚上，我和索菲在回家的路上遇上了一場大雷雨。我們躲到了新家園，在一座園圃的門檐下避雨。當(dāng)時那里還尚未建大學(xué)樓，只是田園。當(dāng)時，電閃雷鳴，風(fēng)雨交加，下著豆大的雨點，與此同時，氣溫驟然降了五度左右。我們冷得要命，我一手摟著她。
"喂？"她并不看著我而是望著外面的雨對我說。
"什么？"
"你病了很久吧，是黃膽病。這就是你在忙碌的事情嗎？你害怕再也恢復(fù)不了健康嗎？醫(yī)生們是怎么說的呢？你必須每天去醫(yī)院換血或者輸液嗎？"
把漢娜當(dāng)做病，我感到可恥。可是要談起漢娜我又實在無法啟齒。"不，索菲，我的病已經(jīng)好了，我的肝膽也正常，如果我愿意，一年后我甚至可以喝酒，但我不想喝。我要……"漢娜使我忙忙碌碌，但我不想提漢娜。"我為什么晚來或早走是因為其他事情。"
"你不想就此談一談嗎？或者你實際上想談卻又不知道如何談？"
我不想談，還是不知道怎樣談？這個連我自己也說不清楚，但是，當(dāng)我倆站在電閃雷鳴、劈啪作響的雨中時，在都凍得發(fā)抖又相互可以取點暖的時候，我有一種感覺，那就是我對她，也只有對她才能提到漢娜。"也許下一次我能講吧。"
但是，再也沒有這樣的下一次了。
Not that I gave away any secrets or exposed Hanna. I didn’t reveal anything that I should have kept to myself. I kept something to myself that I should have revealed. I didn’t acknowledge her. I know that disavowal is an unusual form of betrayal. From the outside it is impossible to tell if you are disowning someone or simply exercising discretion, being considerate, avoiding embarrassments and sources of irritation. But you, who are doing the disowning, you know what you’re doing. And disavowal pulls the underpinnings away from a relationship just as surely as other more flamboyant types of betrayal.
I no longer remember when I first denied Hanna. Friendships coalesced out of the casual ease of those summer afternoons at the swimming pool. Aside from the boy who sat next to me in school, whom I knew from the old class, the person I liked especially in the new class was Holger Schlüter, who like me was interested in history and literature, and with whom I quickly felt at ease. He also got along with Sophie, who lived a few blocks behind our house, which meant that we went to and from the swimming pool together. At first I told myself that I wasn’t yet close enough to my friends to tell them about Hanna. Then I didn’t find the right opportunity, the right moment, the right words. And finally it was too late to tell them about Hanna, to present her along with all my other youthful secrets. I told myself that talking about her so belatedly would misrepresent things, make it seem as if I had kept silent about Hanna for so long because our relationship wasn’t right and I felt guilty about it. But no matter what I pretended to myself, I knew that I was betraying Hanna when I acted as if I was letting my friends in on everything important in my life but said nothing about Hanna.
The fact that they knew I wasn’t being completely open only made things worse. One evening Sophie and I got caught in a thunderstorm on our way home and took shelter under the overhang of a garden shed in Neuenheimer Feld, which had no university buildings on it then, just fields and gardens. It thundered, the lightning crackled, the wind came in gusts, and rain fell in big heavy drops. At the same time the temperature dropped a good ten degrees. We were freezing, and I put my arm around her.
“You know . . .” She wasn’t looking at me, but out at the rain.
“What?”
“You were sick with hepatitis for a long time. Is that what’s on your mind? Are you afraid you won’t really get well again? Did the doctors say something? And do you have to go to the clinic every day to get tests or transfusions?”
Hanna as illness. I was ashamed. But I really couldn’t start talking about Hanna at this point. “No, Sophie, I’m not sick anymore. My liver is normal, and in a year I’ll even be able to drink alcohol if I want, but I don’t. What’s . . .” Talking about Hanna, I didn’t want to say “what’s bothering me.” “There’s another reason I arrive later or leave earlier.”
“Do you not want to talk about it, or is it that you want to but you don’t know how?”
Did I not want to, or didn’t I know how? I didn’t know the answer. But as we stood there under the lightning, with the explosions of thunder rumbling almost overhead and the pounding of the rain, both freezing, warming each other a little, I had the feeling that I had to tell her, of all people, about Hanna. “Maybe I can tell you some other time.”
But there never was another time.
后來我開始背叛她。
不是我泄露了我們之間的秘密或者出漢娜的丑。我不該講的，什么都沒有講，該講的我也什么都沒講。我沒有透露我和她的關(guān)系。我知道否認是不明顯的、變相的背叛。一個人是否能保守秘密或者是否不承認一件事，是否替他人著想，是否能避免尷尬和令人生氣的場面，從外表上是看不出來的。但是，這個隱瞞心事而不宜的人對此是一清二楚。否認——變相的背叛，會使我們的關(guān)系失去基礎(chǔ)。
我已不記得了，我第一次否認漢娜是什么時候。夏日的午后，游泳池把我們同學(xué)之間的關(guān)系發(fā)展為朋友的關(guān)系。在新班上，除了我的鄰桌以外——他是我原來班上的同學(xué)，我尤其喜歡像我一樣喜愛歷史和文學(xué)的霍爾格·施呂特，我們很快就成為知己。他不久也和索菲成了好朋友。索菲住得離我家不遠，這樣我和她去游泳池同路。起初，我心想，我和朋友之間的信任程度還不足以使我向他們敞開心扉講述我和漢娜的關(guān)系，后來，我又沒有找到合適的機會和恰如其分的言辭。再往后，當(dāng)別人都講述年輕人的秘密時，我再講述漢娜就太遲了。我想，這么晚了才講述漢娜一定會給人造成一種錯誤的印象。我沉默了這么長時間是因為我們的關(guān)系在其他人看來不正常而且我感到內(nèi)疚，可是我知道我只字沒提漢娜是對她的背叛，我這樣做似乎是想讓朋友們知道什么是我生活中重要的事情，實際上也是在自欺欺人。
盡管他們注意到我不是很坦率，但這并未改變我的緘口。有一天晚上，我和索菲在回家的路上遇上了一場大雷雨。我們躲到了新家園，在一座園圃的門檐下避雨。當(dāng)時那里還尚未建大學(xué)樓，只是田園。當(dāng)時，電閃雷鳴，風(fēng)雨交加，下著豆大的雨點，與此同時，氣溫驟然降了五度左右。我們冷得要命，我一手摟著她。
"喂？"她并不看著我而是望著外面的雨對我說。
"什么？"
"你病了很久吧，是黃膽病。這就是你在忙碌的事情嗎？你害怕再也恢復(fù)不了健康嗎？醫(yī)生們是怎么說的呢？你必須每天去醫(yī)院換血或者輸液嗎？"
把漢娜當(dāng)做病，我感到可恥。可是要談起漢娜我又實在無法啟齒。"不，索菲，我的病已經(jīng)好了，我的肝膽也正常，如果我愿意，一年后我甚至可以喝酒，但我不想喝。我要……"漢娜使我忙忙碌碌，但我不想提漢娜。"我為什么晚來或早走是因為其他事情。"
"你不想就此談一談嗎？或者你實際上想談卻又不知道如何談？"
我不想談，還是不知道怎樣談？這個連我自己也說不清楚，但是，當(dāng)我倆站在電閃雷鳴、劈啪作響的雨中時，在都凍得發(fā)抖又相互可以取點暖的時候，我有一種感覺，那就是我對她，也只有對她才能提到漢娜。"也許下一次我能講吧。"
但是，再也沒有這樣的下一次了。