Let us shine
徐葉子
江蘇省張家港市張家港外國語學(xué)校高二4班
Volunteers are just like diamonds in the sun, and the diamonds are forever, especially the youth. Volunteer work is just like a miracle. From the May 12th earthquake to the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games, volunteer work made unbelievable contributions.
60 years ago our country was set up, today we will celebrate its 60th birthday. In this process, volunteer work did a lot of help and now our country is standing in the world just like a giant. In the past years, volunteers have helped a large number of people, the old, the young, the poor and the homeless. All the volunteers know that the road ahead will be long and cragged, but no matter what obstacles stand in their way they will never stop. Because they have a creed and they believe everything is possible. Oh the creed of volunteer work, you make volunteers keep on going without hesitation. Oh the creed of volunteer work, you make volunteers hand in hand and be with together forever. Oh the creed of volunteer work, you make volunteers go to the edge of the world and let them know the true meaning of life. Do you know what the creed is? Yes, it is love. With love, volunteer work makes people open their mind and let them find the sky is theirs. With love, volunteer work makes people look into their hearts and let the sunshine in. With love, volunteer work makes people believe that smilers will never lose and frowners will never win.
I know something has changed because of volunteer work. I know it for real because it feels so right and the world looks so much brighter. Love is important to volunteer work and volunteer work is important to the whole world.
The infinite sky is motionless and the blue ocean is boisterous. This moment is perfect. Let us become volunteers and try our best in volunteer work. It can be the start of something new and it's our turn to learn some or win some. So, let's make a wish and get ready to shine like diamonds.
專家建議：
建議該考生在語言流暢的基礎(chǔ)之上，注意兩方面問題。第一，用詞更具體些，避免使用語義較為空泛的表達(dá)，如learn some or win some。第二，文章華美有余，但邏輯層次不足。需加強(qiáng)句子與句子之間以及段落與段落間的邏輯性。
專家點(diǎn)評：
該作文使用了很多修辭方式，從這一點(diǎn)上看，作者在學(xué)習(xí)英語的過程中一定是位有心人，注重邊閱讀邊積累背誦。同時能看出，作者一定是一位喜愛英文歌曲的人，文中很多表達(dá)都來自于音樂歌詞。但在遣詞造句時，需要區(qū)分口頭表達(dá)和較書面表達(dá)，在這點(diǎn)上，文章還有提高的空間。