CRACKING CET
在本期四六級(jí)考試專欄中，全國(guó)四六級(jí)考委會(huì)的夏國(guó)佐教授對(duì)讀者題為"What electives to choose"的作文進(jìn)行了講評(píng)和改寫(xiě)。這是2007年12月份四級(jí)考試作文題目。按照四級(jí)作文評(píng)分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，作文部分滿分15分，這篇文章得8分。如果你希望自己的文章得到夏教授的點(diǎn)評(píng)，請(qǐng)按下面要求寫(xiě)出一篇短文，發(fā)到elt@21stcentury.com.cn。
Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a short essay entitled "What electives to choose". You should write at least 120 words following the outline given below.
1．各大學(xué)為學(xué)生開(kāi)設(shè)了多種多樣的選修課 2．學(xué)生出于各種原因選擇不同的選修課
3．以我自己為例……
讀者原文
What electives to choose
There’re many elective courses for students to choose in universities, ranging from arts to zoologies. As for me, I took a harmonica (口琴) to play in this semester.
I think the additional courses can give me such a special feeling that you can’t get from compulsory courses. For example, when I felt dull in learning English, I took up the harmonica playing for a while, and all the uncomfortable feelings went away.
One of my roommates chose Japanese as her elective course. She told me that Japanese will be useful in the future, which can make her resume looks like more acceptable.
It’s no denying that elective courses can broaden our horizons. As the saying goes: You can’t have the cake and take it." We shouldn’t ignore the major we are studying while immerse ourselves into the pleasure of elective courses.
修改后的文章
What electives to choose
There’re many elective courses for students to choose from at my university, ranging from art to zoology. For instance, I took a course on the harmonica this semester.
I think the elective courses give me a feeling that I can’t get from compulsory courses. For example, when I’m bored with learning English homework, I take out the harmonica and play for a while, and immediately all my uncomfortable feelings will go away.
One of my roommates chose to take Japanese as an elective. She believes the class will prove useful to her career. After all, a second language can make her resume look more attractive. But she is more practical than I am, and I’d say that the majority of students choose their electives out of personal interest.
There’s no denying that elective courses can broaden our horizon. However, as the saying goes, "You can’t have your cake and eat it, too." We shouldn’t neglect the major courses we are studying while immersing ourselves in the pleasures we find in elective courses.
夏老師的點(diǎn)評(píng)
這篇作文寫(xiě)得還算可以，作者基本上可以用英語(yǔ)表達(dá)自己的意思，看的人也能基本上悟出作者想表達(dá)的意思。缺點(diǎn)是文章組織得不是很好，看上去作者沒(méi)有仔細(xì)琢磨考試要求，沒(méi)有預(yù)先構(gòu)思，考試*大而是信手寫(xiě)來(lái)。從語(yǔ)言上看，作者的基本功不夠扎實(shí)，有些句子結(jié)構(gòu)錯(cuò)誤，有些地方用詞不夠準(zhǔn)確，對(duì)英語(yǔ)的習(xí)語(yǔ)和搭配也把握不準(zhǔn)。下面是幾點(diǎn)具體的修改意見(jiàn)：
1. 考試要求中的三點(diǎn)文章雖然都提到了，但是對(duì)第二點(diǎn)"學(xué)生出于各種原因選擇不同的選修課"表述不夠充分，只提到自己和同寢室一位同學(xué)的例子。所以在修改后的文字第二段末尾加了一句"But she is more practical than I am, and I’d say that the majority of students choose their electives out of personal interest" ，這樣簡(jiǎn)單地概括了選課的兩種類型，一種重實(shí)用，一種重興趣，以彌補(bǔ)原文內(nèi)容上的不足。
2. 語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)方面的問(wèn)題
第二段第一句"I think the additional courses can give me such a special feeling that you can’t get from compulsory courses"中的"such"應(yīng)當(dāng)去掉。這句話中的"that"從句應(yīng)該是一個(gè)定語(yǔ)從句，修飾名詞"feeling" ，不應(yīng)該是"such…that"那種句型。
第二段第二句中的"I took up the harmonica playing for a while"應(yīng)改為"I take out the harmonica and play for a while" 。原句中的"playing for a while"是一個(gè)現(xiàn)在分詞結(jié)構(gòu)，只能做狀語(yǔ)，修飾"took up" ，表達(dá)的考試*大意思是一面拿一面吹，兩個(gè)動(dòng)作同時(shí)進(jìn)行。這顯然不是作者想要表達(dá)的意思。當(dāng)然， "拿出來(lái)"應(yīng)為"take out" ，而不是"take up" 。
第三段第二句中的"which can make her resume looks like more acceptable"建議改為"A second language can make her resume look more attractive" 。這里有四個(gè)問(wèn)題。一是"which"引導(dǎo)的非限制性定語(yǔ)從句用得不對(duì)， "which"在這里只能指代前面的句子，如是，就講不通了。實(shí)際上這里說(shuō)的是第二外語(yǔ)"Japanese" 。所以應(yīng)另起一句，直接用"A second language"做主語(yǔ)。第二個(gè)問(wèn)題是"make"這個(gè)動(dòng)詞的賓語(yǔ)補(bǔ)語(yǔ)如果是不定式，應(yīng)當(dāng)用動(dòng)詞原形，不帶"to"。第三個(gè)問(wèn)題是"looks like"應(yīng)改為"look" ， "look"是一個(gè)連系動(dòng)詞，后面直接接形容詞做表語(yǔ)， "looks like"后面接名詞，例如: "What does you brother look like?"第四個(gè)問(wèn)題是"acceptable"用得不準(zhǔn)確，建議改為"attractive"
在本期四六級(jí)考試專欄中，全國(guó)四六級(jí)考委會(huì)的夏國(guó)佐教授對(duì)讀者題為"What electives to choose"的作文進(jìn)行了講評(píng)和改寫(xiě)。這是2007年12月份四級(jí)考試作文題目。按照四級(jí)作文評(píng)分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，作文部分滿分15分，這篇文章得8分。如果你希望自己的文章得到夏教授的點(diǎn)評(píng)，請(qǐng)按下面要求寫(xiě)出一篇短文，發(fā)到elt@21stcentury.com.cn。
Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a short essay entitled "What electives to choose". You should write at least 120 words following the outline given below.
1．各大學(xué)為學(xué)生開(kāi)設(shè)了多種多樣的選修課 2．學(xué)生出于各種原因選擇不同的選修課
3．以我自己為例……
讀者原文
What electives to choose
There’re many elective courses for students to choose in universities, ranging from arts to zoologies. As for me, I took a harmonica (口琴) to play in this semester.
I think the additional courses can give me such a special feeling that you can’t get from compulsory courses. For example, when I felt dull in learning English, I took up the harmonica playing for a while, and all the uncomfortable feelings went away.
One of my roommates chose Japanese as her elective course. She told me that Japanese will be useful in the future, which can make her resume looks like more acceptable.
It’s no denying that elective courses can broaden our horizons. As the saying goes: You can’t have the cake and take it." We shouldn’t ignore the major we are studying while immerse ourselves into the pleasure of elective courses.
修改后的文章
What electives to choose
There’re many elective courses for students to choose from at my university, ranging from art to zoology. For instance, I took a course on the harmonica this semester.
I think the elective courses give me a feeling that I can’t get from compulsory courses. For example, when I’m bored with learning English homework, I take out the harmonica and play for a while, and immediately all my uncomfortable feelings will go away.
One of my roommates chose to take Japanese as an elective. She believes the class will prove useful to her career. After all, a second language can make her resume look more attractive. But she is more practical than I am, and I’d say that the majority of students choose their electives out of personal interest.
There’s no denying that elective courses can broaden our horizon. However, as the saying goes, "You can’t have your cake and eat it, too." We shouldn’t neglect the major courses we are studying while immersing ourselves in the pleasures we find in elective courses.
夏老師的點(diǎn)評(píng)
這篇作文寫(xiě)得還算可以，作者基本上可以用英語(yǔ)表達(dá)自己的意思，看的人也能基本上悟出作者想表達(dá)的意思。缺點(diǎn)是文章組織得不是很好，看上去作者沒(méi)有仔細(xì)琢磨考試要求，沒(méi)有預(yù)先構(gòu)思，考試*大而是信手寫(xiě)來(lái)。從語(yǔ)言上看，作者的基本功不夠扎實(shí)，有些句子結(jié)構(gòu)錯(cuò)誤，有些地方用詞不夠準(zhǔn)確，對(duì)英語(yǔ)的習(xí)語(yǔ)和搭配也把握不準(zhǔn)。下面是幾點(diǎn)具體的修改意見(jiàn)：
1. 考試要求中的三點(diǎn)文章雖然都提到了，但是對(duì)第二點(diǎn)"學(xué)生出于各種原因選擇不同的選修課"表述不夠充分，只提到自己和同寢室一位同學(xué)的例子。所以在修改后的文字第二段末尾加了一句"But she is more practical than I am, and I’d say that the majority of students choose their electives out of personal interest" ，這樣簡(jiǎn)單地概括了選課的兩種類型，一種重實(shí)用，一種重興趣，以彌補(bǔ)原文內(nèi)容上的不足。
2. 語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)方面的問(wèn)題
第二段第一句"I think the additional courses can give me such a special feeling that you can’t get from compulsory courses"中的"such"應(yīng)當(dāng)去掉。這句話中的"that"從句應(yīng)該是一個(gè)定語(yǔ)從句，修飾名詞"feeling" ，不應(yīng)該是"such…that"那種句型。
第二段第二句中的"I took up the harmonica playing for a while"應(yīng)改為"I take out the harmonica and play for a while" 。原句中的"playing for a while"是一個(gè)現(xiàn)在分詞結(jié)構(gòu)，只能做狀語(yǔ)，修飾"took up" ，表達(dá)的考試*大意思是一面拿一面吹，兩個(gè)動(dòng)作同時(shí)進(jìn)行。這顯然不是作者想要表達(dá)的意思。當(dāng)然， "拿出來(lái)"應(yīng)為"take out" ，而不是"take up" 。
第三段第二句中的"which can make her resume looks like more acceptable"建議改為"A second language can make her resume look more attractive" 。這里有四個(gè)問(wèn)題。一是"which"引導(dǎo)的非限制性定語(yǔ)從句用得不對(duì)， "which"在這里只能指代前面的句子，如是，就講不通了。實(shí)際上這里說(shuō)的是第二外語(yǔ)"Japanese" 。所以應(yīng)另起一句，直接用"A second language"做主語(yǔ)。第二個(gè)問(wèn)題是"make"這個(gè)動(dòng)詞的賓語(yǔ)補(bǔ)語(yǔ)如果是不定式，應(yīng)當(dāng)用動(dòng)詞原形，不帶"to"。第三個(gè)問(wèn)題是"looks like"應(yīng)改為"look" ， "look"是一個(gè)連系動(dòng)詞，后面直接接形容詞做表語(yǔ)， "looks like"后面接名詞，例如: "What does you brother look like?"第四個(gè)問(wèn)題是"acceptable"用得不準(zhǔn)確，建議改為"attractive"