Cracking CET
在本期四六級考試專欄中，全國四六級考委會的夏國佐教授對讀者題為“Recreational activities”的作文進(jìn)行了講評和改寫。這是2008年6月份的四級作文試題。按照四級作文評分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，作文部分滿分15分，這篇文章得9分。如果你希望自己的文章得到夏教授的點評，請按下面要求寫出一篇短文，發(fā)到elt@21stcentury.com.cn。
Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a short essay entitled “Recreational activities”. You should write at least 120 words following the outline given below.
1.娛樂活動多種多樣。 2.娛樂活動可以使人們受益，也可能帶來危害。 3.作為大學(xué)生，我認(rèn)為……
讀者原文
Having finished a day’s hard work, we head home, with our exhausted body. At this moment, we need recreational activities to help us to relax and release our pressure. Fortunately, with the rapid development of ecnomic, there have a variety of recreational facilities here and there. So, we students have chances to participate in all kinds of activities as we like.
However, while as the old saying goes, every coin has two sides. When we enjoy ourselves, we may lose control of ourselves. For example, many students are so interested in playing computer games that they even lose interest in their study. One of my roommate is such a person. He became interested in computer games in the first year of our university. And now, he is crazy about it and spent most of time before the computer. To play games, he doesn’t take classes, doesn’t do his homework and even doesn’t take tests. I think it is very dangerous for him. I worry he might be driven out of the university if he continues to do this. I once talk to him and ask him not to play truancy but he said the teaching is so boring. He liked the games.
From my roommate’s example, I know recreational activities can do us good but it can also do harms. Personally, as college students, we should be aware of what we should do and should not do clearly. Above all, study is the first. Only strike a balance between recreational activities and study, can we live a happy life.
修改后的文章
After finishing a day’s hard work, we often go home feeling exhausted. At this time, we need recreational activities to help us relax and find release. Fortunately, with the rapid development of our economy, there are now a variety of recreational facilities available to us. So, we students have many chances to participate in all kinds of recreational activities.
However, as the old saying goes, every coin has two sides. While we are enjoying these activities, we can lose control of ourselves. For example, many students are so interested in playing computer games that they lose interest in their studies.
Among them is one of my roommates. He became interested in computer games in his first year of university. And now he is crazy about them and spends most of his time in front of the computer. Now completely addicted to computer games, he doesn’t go to class, do his homework, or even take tests. I am afraid he will be expelled from the university if he continues to act like this. I once talked to him and tried to persuade him not to skip school, but he said the lectures were boring and he liked games better.
From my roommate’s example, we can see that recreational activities can do us good and also do us harm. As college students, we should be fully aware of what we should and should not do. Whether you like it or not, study should come first. Only by striking a balance between recreational activities and study can we hope to make great achievements and live a happy life.
夏老師的點評
這篇作文寫得還算可以，達(dá)到了英語四級寫作的起碼要求，即基本能夠用英語書面表達(dá)自己的思想。文章內(nèi)容豐富，觀點明確，例證也有說服力。不足的是語言基本功不夠扎實，句子結(jié)構(gòu)、單詞拼寫及習(xí)慣搭配上都有相當(dāng)多的錯誤。建議該生寫完初稿后，自己再多讀兩遍，盡量將語言錯誤自己改掉。沒有把握的地方可以查一查詞典，慢慢養(yǎng)成嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)?shù)膶W(xué)習(xí)習(xí)慣。 下面是幾點具體的修改建議，供習(xí)作者參考。 1．第一段第三句中的 with the rapid development of economic, there have a variety of recreational facilities 應(yīng)改為 with the rapid development of our economy, there are now a variety of recreational facilities。Economic 是形容詞，不能用在這里作介詞of 的賓語，應(yīng)改用名詞economy。后半句there have語法有錯，應(yīng)改為there are。
2．第二段第一句However, while as the old saying goes, every cion has two sides 應(yīng)改為 However, as the old saying goes, every coin has two sides。本句中已有as作連接詞，就不能再用while了。
3．第二段第三句many students are so interested in playing computer games that they even lose interst in their study 應(yīng)改為 many students are so interested in playing computer games that they lose interest in their studies。本句中，even這個副詞被刪去了。
4．第二段第五句中的in the first year of our university 應(yīng)改為 in his first year of university。原表達(dá)有可能指“我們大學(xué)創(chuàng)辦的第一年”，改過后才表示“他上大學(xué)的第一年”。
5．第二段第六句he is crazy about it and spent most of time before the computer應(yīng)改為he is crazy about it and spends most of his time before the computer。本句講的是現(xiàn)在經(jīng)常發(fā)生的情況，應(yīng)該都用一般現(xiàn)在時態(tài)。另外，most of time應(yīng)為most of his time。
6．第二段第七句To play games, he doesn’t take classes… 建議改為Completely addicted to computer games, he now doesn’t take classes…。不定式短語To play games在這里作目的狀語，而Completely addicted to computer games用作原因狀語，在意思上更為確切。
7．第二段倒數(shù)第三句 I worry he might be driven out of the university 建議改為I am afraid he will be expelled from the university。情態(tài)動詞might 表示的可能性比較小，不如will肯定。expel是“開除”的意思，用在這里更為確切。
8．第二段最后兩句 I once talk to him and ask him not to play truancy but he said the teaching is so boring. He liked the games建議改為 I once talked to him and tried to persuade him not to play truancy, but he said the teaching was so boring and he liked the games better。這里主要是時態(tài)問題。Once這個副詞是表示過去的某個時間，所以，動詞該用過去時。
9．第三段第一句中的recreational activities can do us good but it can also do harms應(yīng)改為recreational activities can do us good but it can also do us harm。do sb. good 和 do sb. harm 都是習(xí)語，不可隨意改動。
10．第三段第三句Above all, study is the first 建議改為Whether you like it or not, study should come first。原句中的Above all是在提及一件你認(rèn)為比其他同類事件都重要的事件時用的，例如:
Max is hardworking, cheerful, and above all honest.
He will be remembered above all as a loving husband and a family man.
11．第三段最后一句Only strike a balance between recreational activities and study, can we live a happy life中，動詞原形strike 不可直接用來做狀語，必須改為by striking
在本期四六級考試專欄中，全國四六級考委會的夏國佐教授對讀者題為“Recreational activities”的作文進(jìn)行了講評和改寫。這是2008年6月份的四級作文試題。按照四級作文評分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，作文部分滿分15分，這篇文章得9分。如果你希望自己的文章得到夏教授的點評，請按下面要求寫出一篇短文，發(fā)到elt@21stcentury.com.cn。
Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a short essay entitled “Recreational activities”. You should write at least 120 words following the outline given below.
1.娛樂活動多種多樣。 2.娛樂活動可以使人們受益，也可能帶來危害。 3.作為大學(xué)生，我認(rèn)為……
讀者原文
Having finished a day’s hard work, we head home, with our exhausted body. At this moment, we need recreational activities to help us to relax and release our pressure. Fortunately, with the rapid development of ecnomic, there have a variety of recreational facilities here and there. So, we students have chances to participate in all kinds of activities as we like.
However, while as the old saying goes, every coin has two sides. When we enjoy ourselves, we may lose control of ourselves. For example, many students are so interested in playing computer games that they even lose interest in their study. One of my roommate is such a person. He became interested in computer games in the first year of our university. And now, he is crazy about it and spent most of time before the computer. To play games, he doesn’t take classes, doesn’t do his homework and even doesn’t take tests. I think it is very dangerous for him. I worry he might be driven out of the university if he continues to do this. I once talk to him and ask him not to play truancy but he said the teaching is so boring. He liked the games.
From my roommate’s example, I know recreational activities can do us good but it can also do harms. Personally, as college students, we should be aware of what we should do and should not do clearly. Above all, study is the first. Only strike a balance between recreational activities and study, can we live a happy life.
修改后的文章
After finishing a day’s hard work, we often go home feeling exhausted. At this time, we need recreational activities to help us relax and find release. Fortunately, with the rapid development of our economy, there are now a variety of recreational facilities available to us. So, we students have many chances to participate in all kinds of recreational activities.
However, as the old saying goes, every coin has two sides. While we are enjoying these activities, we can lose control of ourselves. For example, many students are so interested in playing computer games that they lose interest in their studies.
Among them is one of my roommates. He became interested in computer games in his first year of university. And now he is crazy about them and spends most of his time in front of the computer. Now completely addicted to computer games, he doesn’t go to class, do his homework, or even take tests. I am afraid he will be expelled from the university if he continues to act like this. I once talked to him and tried to persuade him not to skip school, but he said the lectures were boring and he liked games better.
From my roommate’s example, we can see that recreational activities can do us good and also do us harm. As college students, we should be fully aware of what we should and should not do. Whether you like it or not, study should come first. Only by striking a balance between recreational activities and study can we hope to make great achievements and live a happy life.
夏老師的點評
這篇作文寫得還算可以，達(dá)到了英語四級寫作的起碼要求，即基本能夠用英語書面表達(dá)自己的思想。文章內(nèi)容豐富，觀點明確，例證也有說服力。不足的是語言基本功不夠扎實，句子結(jié)構(gòu)、單詞拼寫及習(xí)慣搭配上都有相當(dāng)多的錯誤。建議該生寫完初稿后，自己再多讀兩遍，盡量將語言錯誤自己改掉。沒有把握的地方可以查一查詞典，慢慢養(yǎng)成嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)?shù)膶W(xué)習(xí)習(xí)慣。 下面是幾點具體的修改建議，供習(xí)作者參考。 1．第一段第三句中的 with the rapid development of economic, there have a variety of recreational facilities 應(yīng)改為 with the rapid development of our economy, there are now a variety of recreational facilities。Economic 是形容詞，不能用在這里作介詞of 的賓語，應(yīng)改用名詞economy。后半句there have語法有錯，應(yīng)改為there are。
2．第二段第一句However, while as the old saying goes, every cion has two sides 應(yīng)改為 However, as the old saying goes, every coin has two sides。本句中已有as作連接詞，就不能再用while了。
3．第二段第三句many students are so interested in playing computer games that they even lose interst in their study 應(yīng)改為 many students are so interested in playing computer games that they lose interest in their studies。本句中，even這個副詞被刪去了。
4．第二段第五句中的in the first year of our university 應(yīng)改為 in his first year of university。原表達(dá)有可能指“我們大學(xué)創(chuàng)辦的第一年”，改過后才表示“他上大學(xué)的第一年”。
5．第二段第六句he is crazy about it and spent most of time before the computer應(yīng)改為he is crazy about it and spends most of his time before the computer。本句講的是現(xiàn)在經(jīng)常發(fā)生的情況，應(yīng)該都用一般現(xiàn)在時態(tài)。另外，most of time應(yīng)為most of his time。
6．第二段第七句To play games, he doesn’t take classes… 建議改為Completely addicted to computer games, he now doesn’t take classes…。不定式短語To play games在這里作目的狀語，而Completely addicted to computer games用作原因狀語，在意思上更為確切。
7．第二段倒數(shù)第三句 I worry he might be driven out of the university 建議改為I am afraid he will be expelled from the university。情態(tài)動詞might 表示的可能性比較小，不如will肯定。expel是“開除”的意思，用在這里更為確切。
8．第二段最后兩句 I once talk to him and ask him not to play truancy but he said the teaching is so boring. He liked the games建議改為 I once talked to him and tried to persuade him not to play truancy, but he said the teaching was so boring and he liked the games better。這里主要是時態(tài)問題。Once這個副詞是表示過去的某個時間，所以，動詞該用過去時。
9．第三段第一句中的recreational activities can do us good but it can also do harms應(yīng)改為recreational activities can do us good but it can also do us harm。do sb. good 和 do sb. harm 都是習(xí)語，不可隨意改動。
10．第三段第三句Above all, study is the first 建議改為Whether you like it or not, study should come first。原句中的Above all是在提及一件你認(rèn)為比其他同類事件都重要的事件時用的，例如:
Max is hardworking, cheerful, and above all honest.
He will be remembered above all as a loving husband and a family man.
11．第三段最后一句Only strike a balance between recreational activities and study, can we live a happy life中，動詞原形strike 不可直接用來做狀語，必須改為by striking