Cracking CET
在本期四六級考試專欄中，全國四六級考委會的夏國佐教授對讀者題為“Recreational activities”的作文進(jìn)行了講評和改寫。這是2008年6月份的四級作文試題。按照四級作文評分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，作文部分滿分15分，這篇文章得12分。如果你希望自己的文章得到夏教授的點(diǎn)評，請按下面要求寫出一篇短文，發(fā)到elt@21stcentury.com.cn。
Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a short essay entitled “Recreational activities”. You should write at least 120 words following the outline given below.
1.娛樂活動多種多樣。 2.娛樂活動可以使人們受益，也可能帶來危害。 3.作為大學(xué)生，我認(rèn)為……
讀者原文
It’s obviously true that not all people like to work but everyone likes to play. All over the world, men and women, young and old, all enjoy recreational activities. So beyond doubt, entertainment plays a major role in our daily lives. In modern society, there is a broad range of recreational activities covering from online computer games to lovely picnics, aiming at meeting the needs of all different groups. Consequently, it won’t be difficult for you to find your favorites among those.
Recreational activities have a number of benefits, especially in this highly competitive society. It can help us relax, have fun, divert ourselves from stress, etc. I believe there is no better a thing than just relaxing and enjoying your favorite amusement when you’re free or stressed. But can entertainment do us harm? Of course it can. Let’s take TV as an example. There is no denying that watching TV can provide us a plenty of the up-to-date news and learning materials and also helps us relax. However, if we spend too much time watching it, it may also waste us a lot of time, thereby being just the opposite of what we really want. What’s more, TV may also broadcast some pornographic programs, which are of course unsuitable for us. So just as the old saying goes, every coin has two sides, watching TV also has its advantages and disadvantages.
As a college student, I think recreational activities are very important for us. After all, a proper balance between work and rest is the best. But this doesn’t mean we can choose whatever we like. Instead, we should have our own judgment, which means knowing what is good for us and what is not. Once we choose our favorites, we should also have self-control so as not to become addicted to them. I believe in this case only, entertainment can bring its functions into full play and we can also truly understand the essence of life.
修改后的文章
It’s obviously true that not all people like to work, but everyone likes to play. All over the world, men and women, young and old, enjoy recreational activities. So, beyond doubt, entertainment plays an important role in our daily lives. In modern society, there is a broad range of recreational activities – from online computer games to lovely picnics – that meet the needs of different groups of people. Therefore, it won’t be difficult for you to find some recreation to refresh your body and mind.
Recreational activities have a number of benefits, especially in this highly competitive society. They can help us relax, have fun and relieve stress. In fact, I believe there is no better way to get exercise and relieve stress than to take an active part in recreational activities. But can recreational activities do us harm? Of course they can. Let’s take TV as an example. There is no denying that TV offers access to the latest news and to useful knowledge, while providing us with entertainment. However, if we spend too much time watching TV, it will numb our mind and destroy our creativity, which is exactly the opposite of what we really want. What’s more, TV can also show some pornographic programs, which are absolutely unsuitable for us young students. So, just as the old saying goes, every coin has two sides, and watching TV is no exception.
As a college student, I think recreational activities are very important for us. But this doesn’t mean we should take up whatever recreational activities are available. Instead, we should strike a balance between work and rest. We should have our own judgment, which means knowing what is good for us and what is not. And we should exercise self-control so as not to become addicted to them. I believe moderate recreational activity will benefit us in many ways and help us live a full, meaningful life夏老師的點(diǎn)評
這篇作文寫得比較好，內(nèi)容豐富，說理清楚，作者詞匯量比較大，表達(dá)也比較自如。不足的是文章組織不夠縝密，有些地方連貫性不夠理想。少數(shù)地方句子結(jié)構(gòu)有錯，用詞不確切，詞語搭配不當(dāng)，說明文字的基本功考(試大還不夠扎實(shí)。另外，如果作為考試，文章的篇幅過長。建議考試時不要超過200詞，剩下一點(diǎn)時間用于加工修改，以取得更好的成績。下面是幾點(diǎn)具體的修改建議，供習(xí)作者參考。
1. 第一段第三句中的 entertainment plays a major role in our daily lives 建議改為entertainment plays an important role in our daily lives。Major 雖有“重要的(important)”的意思，但其基本意思是“主要的(main, principal)”，用在這里在意思上有一點(diǎn)過了。
2. 第一段第四句中的 …covering from online computer games to lovely picnics, aiming at meeting the needs of all different groups 應(yīng)改為 …– from online computer games to lovely picnics – that meet the needs of different groups of people。這里covering 是多余的，另外，語法有錯，因?yàn)閏over是接物動詞，后面應(yīng)接直接賓語。aiming at meeting 改為that meet更為直截了當(dāng)。還有，different groups意思不清楚，加上of people意思就明確了。
3. 第二段第二句It can help us relax, have fun, divert ourselves from stress, etc. 宜改為 It can help us relax, have fun, and relieve stress. 原句語法沒有錯，但改過后，讀起來節(jié)奏感更強(qiáng)，去掉etc.也使文章更為簡潔有力。
4. 第二段第三句 I believe there is no better a thing than just relaxing and enjoying your favorite amusement when you’re free or stressed. 建議改為 In fact, I believe there is no better way to get exercise and relieve stress than to take an active part in recreational activities。原句中的there is no better a thing語法有錯，不定冠詞“a” 應(yīng)去掉。從內(nèi)容上講，改過后，更加確切。
5. 第二段倒數(shù)第三句 it may also waste us a lot of time, thereby being just the opposite of what we really want建議改為 it will numb our mind and destroy our creativity, which is exactly the opposite of what we really want。which使文章的意思更好理解。
6. 第二段最后一句中的watching TV also has its advantages and disadvantages. 應(yīng)改為and watching TV is no exception，使句子更簡潔。
7. 第三段第二句和第三句After all, a proper balance between work and rest is the best. But this doesn’t mean we can choose whatever we like.建議改為But this doesn’t mean we can take up whatever recreational activities are available. Instead, we should strike a balance between work and rest。原句語法上沒有錯，但是內(nèi)容組織得不好，句子間的連貫性差。
8. 第三段最后一句I believe in this case only, entertainment can bring its functions into full play and we can also truly understand the essence of life建議改為I believe moderate recreational activities will benefit us in many ways and help us live a full meaningful life。原句語法上沒有錯，但是this case不知所指，entertainment can bring its functions into full play這個句子內(nèi)在邏輯上也有問題。
在本期四六級考試專欄中，全國四六級考委會的夏國佐教授對讀者題為“Recreational activities”的作文進(jìn)行了講評和改寫。這是2008年6月份的四級作文試題。按照四級作文評分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，作文部分滿分15分，這篇文章得12分。如果你希望自己的文章得到夏教授的點(diǎn)評，請按下面要求寫出一篇短文，發(fā)到elt@21stcentury.com.cn。
Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a short essay entitled “Recreational activities”. You should write at least 120 words following the outline given below.
1.娛樂活動多種多樣。 2.娛樂活動可以使人們受益，也可能帶來危害。 3.作為大學(xué)生，我認(rèn)為……
讀者原文
It’s obviously true that not all people like to work but everyone likes to play. All over the world, men and women, young and old, all enjoy recreational activities. So beyond doubt, entertainment plays a major role in our daily lives. In modern society, there is a broad range of recreational activities covering from online computer games to lovely picnics, aiming at meeting the needs of all different groups. Consequently, it won’t be difficult for you to find your favorites among those.
Recreational activities have a number of benefits, especially in this highly competitive society. It can help us relax, have fun, divert ourselves from stress, etc. I believe there is no better a thing than just relaxing and enjoying your favorite amusement when you’re free or stressed. But can entertainment do us harm? Of course it can. Let’s take TV as an example. There is no denying that watching TV can provide us a plenty of the up-to-date news and learning materials and also helps us relax. However, if we spend too much time watching it, it may also waste us a lot of time, thereby being just the opposite of what we really want. What’s more, TV may also broadcast some pornographic programs, which are of course unsuitable for us. So just as the old saying goes, every coin has two sides, watching TV also has its advantages and disadvantages.
As a college student, I think recreational activities are very important for us. After all, a proper balance between work and rest is the best. But this doesn’t mean we can choose whatever we like. Instead, we should have our own judgment, which means knowing what is good for us and what is not. Once we choose our favorites, we should also have self-control so as not to become addicted to them. I believe in this case only, entertainment can bring its functions into full play and we can also truly understand the essence of life.
修改后的文章
It’s obviously true that not all people like to work, but everyone likes to play. All over the world, men and women, young and old, enjoy recreational activities. So, beyond doubt, entertainment plays an important role in our daily lives. In modern society, there is a broad range of recreational activities – from online computer games to lovely picnics – that meet the needs of different groups of people. Therefore, it won’t be difficult for you to find some recreation to refresh your body and mind.
Recreational activities have a number of benefits, especially in this highly competitive society. They can help us relax, have fun and relieve stress. In fact, I believe there is no better way to get exercise and relieve stress than to take an active part in recreational activities. But can recreational activities do us harm? Of course they can. Let’s take TV as an example. There is no denying that TV offers access to the latest news and to useful knowledge, while providing us with entertainment. However, if we spend too much time watching TV, it will numb our mind and destroy our creativity, which is exactly the opposite of what we really want. What’s more, TV can also show some pornographic programs, which are absolutely unsuitable for us young students. So, just as the old saying goes, every coin has two sides, and watching TV is no exception.
As a college student, I think recreational activities are very important for us. But this doesn’t mean we should take up whatever recreational activities are available. Instead, we should strike a balance between work and rest. We should have our own judgment, which means knowing what is good for us and what is not. And we should exercise self-control so as not to become addicted to them. I believe moderate recreational activity will benefit us in many ways and help us live a full, meaningful life夏老師的點(diǎn)評
這篇作文寫得比較好，內(nèi)容豐富，說理清楚，作者詞匯量比較大，表達(dá)也比較自如。不足的是文章組織不夠縝密，有些地方連貫性不夠理想。少數(shù)地方句子結(jié)構(gòu)有錯，用詞不確切，詞語搭配不當(dāng)，說明文字的基本功考(試大還不夠扎實(shí)。另外，如果作為考試，文章的篇幅過長。建議考試時不要超過200詞，剩下一點(diǎn)時間用于加工修改，以取得更好的成績。下面是幾點(diǎn)具體的修改建議，供習(xí)作者參考。
1. 第一段第三句中的 entertainment plays a major role in our daily lives 建議改為entertainment plays an important role in our daily lives。Major 雖有“重要的(important)”的意思，但其基本意思是“主要的(main, principal)”，用在這里在意思上有一點(diǎn)過了。
2. 第一段第四句中的 …covering from online computer games to lovely picnics, aiming at meeting the needs of all different groups 應(yīng)改為 …– from online computer games to lovely picnics – that meet the needs of different groups of people。這里covering 是多余的，另外，語法有錯，因?yàn)閏over是接物動詞，后面應(yīng)接直接賓語。aiming at meeting 改為that meet更為直截了當(dāng)。還有，different groups意思不清楚，加上of people意思就明確了。
3. 第二段第二句It can help us relax, have fun, divert ourselves from stress, etc. 宜改為 It can help us relax, have fun, and relieve stress. 原句語法沒有錯，但改過后，讀起來節(jié)奏感更強(qiáng)，去掉etc.也使文章更為簡潔有力。
4. 第二段第三句 I believe there is no better a thing than just relaxing and enjoying your favorite amusement when you’re free or stressed. 建議改為 In fact, I believe there is no better way to get exercise and relieve stress than to take an active part in recreational activities。原句中的there is no better a thing語法有錯，不定冠詞“a” 應(yīng)去掉。從內(nèi)容上講，改過后，更加確切。
5. 第二段倒數(shù)第三句 it may also waste us a lot of time, thereby being just the opposite of what we really want建議改為 it will numb our mind and destroy our creativity, which is exactly the opposite of what we really want。which使文章的意思更好理解。
6. 第二段最后一句中的watching TV also has its advantages and disadvantages. 應(yīng)改為and watching TV is no exception，使句子更簡潔。
7. 第三段第二句和第三句After all, a proper balance between work and rest is the best. But this doesn’t mean we can choose whatever we like.建議改為But this doesn’t mean we can take up whatever recreational activities are available. Instead, we should strike a balance between work and rest。原句語法上沒有錯，但是內(nèi)容組織得不好，句子間的連貫性差。
8. 第三段最后一句I believe in this case only, entertainment can bring its functions into full play and we can also truly understand the essence of life建議改為I believe moderate recreational activities will benefit us in many ways and help us live a full meaningful life。原句語法上沒有錯，但是this case不知所指，entertainment can bring its functions into full play這個句子內(nèi)在邏輯上也有問題。