My first complete sample.Any criticism will be appreciated!
(The examples used here are utterly fabricated by myself cause of the paucity in knowledge of rituals, otherwise the article won't cater for the ETS criteria)
207" Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are."
In a modern world full of pragmatism and expediency we are occasionally at a loss about the culture we are living in and ultimate aim we are striving for, perhaps our Zeitgeist is one " without spirit and idealism" , but if one day we foutunately watch some ceremonies and rituals in Television in the interlude of our hasty business life we are easy to be facinated by the full-bodied flavor of culture and spiritual impact, only then shall we realize the paramount function of rituals and ceremonies in the clarification of our culture and identification of ourselves especially in this modern society.
The most adamant evidence to strengthen my point comes from the very existence of our Great History. Our culture is not an isolated one emerging at it's nascent time with the plush edifices and limousines, on the contrary, It's a culture with a long history ever since the Genesis. And our mind is, in some sense, dominated by the "collective unconciousness" derived from the long history and culture of our progenitors, though we as modern persons may seem to know nothing about the true story ever happening in the long river of history. But what help our ancestors preserve the culture for their ungrateful progeny? The key answer may lie in the ceremonies and rituals throught which generations of cultures and mores have passed and been established. It is most apparent in our festivals and holidays when we make prayers and blesses;acturallly we do not mean to do anything serious, but the very actions in the form of rituals and ceremonies would identif us as Americans, Chinese or African aboriginal. An American boy participates in the ceremonies in a christian church , while a Chinese girl may pray in a ritual in the memories of the Monkey King (a Popular God in China). All these indicate that ceremonies and rituals dreivied from history are the reminders of our culture.
In addtition, ceremonies and rituals will always arouse an aesthetic sense besides its historical function. With the innermost beauty the ceremonies and rituals will furthermore strengthen the identification of ourselves, thus make ourselves melt into a permanant being with our culture, our life and even our ultimate goal of life. Through this function the cremonies and rituals will combine itself with the modern science and even post-modern art. Just take a look at one of the greatest rituals and ceremonies extant in China: Great Wall Ceremonies in Beijing which is in memory of the first Great Emperor Qin. In the ceremony, thousands of persons in the ancient garments stand on the top of the "Great Wall", which is not only a repitition of the brilliant Ancient China but appears as a beautiful scene that will never be presented in another form.From this we can reallize that the aesthetic sense of the rituals and ceremonies is another integrated component of our life without which we will perhaps lose an opportuinity to admire our distinct culture and thus may not identify who we are.
Finally, a modern society and formation of an internaltional villiage further reveals the significance of proving us as a human and a member of the culture featured by both variety and unity. If we ask ourselves who we are ,we will first answer without any hesitation that we are human beings.But without culture we are at most called some kinds of anthropoids, in this sense the ceremonies and rituals indicate that we are the dwellers of this planet and we are living in a succession of generations with effort to fight for a comman welfare, and most important, we are creatures with spirit and dreams instead of sheer economic animals.Perhaps ceremonies and rituals are not so hermetical and occult as they appear, on the contrary, they will serve the realistic function in our secular world to heal our "modern ail". And through the varieties of rituals and cremonies under different cultures the human being would further understand that we can not only distingguish our own culture but also find that we stand as a whole to be human being, fostering a dream to make the earth a paradise. That's exactly what most ceremonies and rituls contribute to us in modern society.
In conclusion, we should hereby cherish our extant ceremonies and rituals to serve our modern life in that they would very likely help answer the quetion frequently asked by every modern hunman being :" who am I and what am I living for".(739)
BY smoke
點評BY PAISLEY
總的來說不錯。優(yōu)點不提了，說幾個缺點。
1、你的詞用的很難。但是我覺得這不是很符合GRE作文的思路。它不要求我們用難詞，我看過的范文(包括ETS的、美國人的、中國老師的)，都沒有用你那么多的難詞。也許你剛考過G或者正在準備G吧？我感覺你的文章里用了那么多難詞，不見得會給對方一個特別好的印象。這種感覺就好象一篇白話文里夾雜了很多文言詞匯，感覺有點做作。GRE作文最要求的是思路的清晰和深刻性，以及表達的順暢。這點你做的不錯。但是詞匯沒必要用那樣的。尤其是GRE詞匯我們不熟悉它們的用法，很有可能用錯的。比如The most adamant evidence這種說法我從來沒見過，感覺很奇怪。
2、有少許的句子結(jié)構(gòu)別扭的地方。
3、嚴重問題：你的標點太隨便。很多地方明明是兩句話，你隨便來個逗號連接，這在英語作文里是很不好的。很多連接詞前后的逗號句號的區(qū)分你都沒在意。
4、舉例的問題。我個人覺得舉中國的例不是特別好，因為第一老美不了解，第二很容易陷入Chienglish。但是舉外國的例呢，很多人名地名我又不知道確切的拼寫。所以我也為這個發(fā)愁。
5、長句的問題。GRE作文與托福作文的不同之處在于它對長句的要求較高，或者更確切的說，它對長短句參差運用的要求較高。而你的文章里長句太多。讀起來吃力。
6、我估計你沒有掐時間寫的吧？我建議以后還是掐一下時間，因為如何在很短時間內(nèi)整理思路、想好理由然后有條不紊的動比寫文章，是一個很高的要求。你會發(fā)現(xiàn)在有時間限制的情況下寫的作文和以前很不一樣。所以能盡早練習。
不管怎么說，在大多數(shù)人的作文還和托福作文比較相近的時候，你這篇作文足夠使你脫穎而出了。
個人意見，僅供參考
(The examples used here are utterly fabricated by myself cause of the paucity in knowledge of rituals, otherwise the article won't cater for the ETS criteria)
207" Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are."
In a modern world full of pragmatism and expediency we are occasionally at a loss about the culture we are living in and ultimate aim we are striving for, perhaps our Zeitgeist is one " without spirit and idealism" , but if one day we foutunately watch some ceremonies and rituals in Television in the interlude of our hasty business life we are easy to be facinated by the full-bodied flavor of culture and spiritual impact, only then shall we realize the paramount function of rituals and ceremonies in the clarification of our culture and identification of ourselves especially in this modern society.
The most adamant evidence to strengthen my point comes from the very existence of our Great History. Our culture is not an isolated one emerging at it's nascent time with the plush edifices and limousines, on the contrary, It's a culture with a long history ever since the Genesis. And our mind is, in some sense, dominated by the "collective unconciousness" derived from the long history and culture of our progenitors, though we as modern persons may seem to know nothing about the true story ever happening in the long river of history. But what help our ancestors preserve the culture for their ungrateful progeny? The key answer may lie in the ceremonies and rituals throught which generations of cultures and mores have passed and been established. It is most apparent in our festivals and holidays when we make prayers and blesses;acturallly we do not mean to do anything serious, but the very actions in the form of rituals and ceremonies would identif us as Americans, Chinese or African aboriginal. An American boy participates in the ceremonies in a christian church , while a Chinese girl may pray in a ritual in the memories of the Monkey King (a Popular God in China). All these indicate that ceremonies and rituals dreivied from history are the reminders of our culture.
In addtition, ceremonies and rituals will always arouse an aesthetic sense besides its historical function. With the innermost beauty the ceremonies and rituals will furthermore strengthen the identification of ourselves, thus make ourselves melt into a permanant being with our culture, our life and even our ultimate goal of life. Through this function the cremonies and rituals will combine itself with the modern science and even post-modern art. Just take a look at one of the greatest rituals and ceremonies extant in China: Great Wall Ceremonies in Beijing which is in memory of the first Great Emperor Qin. In the ceremony, thousands of persons in the ancient garments stand on the top of the "Great Wall", which is not only a repitition of the brilliant Ancient China but appears as a beautiful scene that will never be presented in another form.From this we can reallize that the aesthetic sense of the rituals and ceremonies is another integrated component of our life without which we will perhaps lose an opportuinity to admire our distinct culture and thus may not identify who we are.
Finally, a modern society and formation of an internaltional villiage further reveals the significance of proving us as a human and a member of the culture featured by both variety and unity. If we ask ourselves who we are ,we will first answer without any hesitation that we are human beings.But without culture we are at most called some kinds of anthropoids, in this sense the ceremonies and rituals indicate that we are the dwellers of this planet and we are living in a succession of generations with effort to fight for a comman welfare, and most important, we are creatures with spirit and dreams instead of sheer economic animals.Perhaps ceremonies and rituals are not so hermetical and occult as they appear, on the contrary, they will serve the realistic function in our secular world to heal our "modern ail". And through the varieties of rituals and cremonies under different cultures the human being would further understand that we can not only distingguish our own culture but also find that we stand as a whole to be human being, fostering a dream to make the earth a paradise. That's exactly what most ceremonies and rituls contribute to us in modern society.
In conclusion, we should hereby cherish our extant ceremonies and rituals to serve our modern life in that they would very likely help answer the quetion frequently asked by every modern hunman being :" who am I and what am I living for".(739)
BY smoke
點評BY PAISLEY
總的來說不錯。優(yōu)點不提了，說幾個缺點。
1、你的詞用的很難。但是我覺得這不是很符合GRE作文的思路。它不要求我們用難詞，我看過的范文(包括ETS的、美國人的、中國老師的)，都沒有用你那么多的難詞。也許你剛考過G或者正在準備G吧？我感覺你的文章里用了那么多難詞，不見得會給對方一個特別好的印象。這種感覺就好象一篇白話文里夾雜了很多文言詞匯，感覺有點做作。GRE作文最要求的是思路的清晰和深刻性，以及表達的順暢。這點你做的不錯。但是詞匯沒必要用那樣的。尤其是GRE詞匯我們不熟悉它們的用法，很有可能用錯的。比如The most adamant evidence這種說法我從來沒見過，感覺很奇怪。
2、有少許的句子結(jié)構(gòu)別扭的地方。
3、嚴重問題：你的標點太隨便。很多地方明明是兩句話，你隨便來個逗號連接，這在英語作文里是很不好的。很多連接詞前后的逗號句號的區(qū)分你都沒在意。
4、舉例的問題。我個人覺得舉中國的例不是特別好，因為第一老美不了解，第二很容易陷入Chienglish。但是舉外國的例呢，很多人名地名我又不知道確切的拼寫。所以我也為這個發(fā)愁。
5、長句的問題。GRE作文與托福作文的不同之處在于它對長句的要求較高，或者更確切的說，它對長短句參差運用的要求較高。而你的文章里長句太多。讀起來吃力。
6、我估計你沒有掐時間寫的吧？我建議以后還是掐一下時間，因為如何在很短時間內(nèi)整理思路、想好理由然后有條不紊的動比寫文章，是一個很高的要求。你會發(fā)現(xiàn)在有時間限制的情況下寫的作文和以前很不一樣。所以能盡早練習。
不管怎么說，在大多數(shù)人的作文還和托福作文比較相近的時候，你這篇作文足夠使你脫穎而出了。
個人意見，僅供參考