導(dǎo)讀：
注意避免偏離整體方向和重復(fù)，一定要有整體觀
拋開(kāi)語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，這篇文章主要犯了以下幾個(gè)毛?。?BR> 1論點(diǎn)，主體段還有最后的總結(jié)之間缺乏一致性
2重復(fù)
寫(xiě)作的時(shí)候一定要有整體的概念，先有整體的某篇布局，再一段一段來(lái)寫(xiě)。千萬(wàn)不能只是有個(gè)大概的想法就往下寫(xiě)。這樣的結(jié)果很可能是跑題或者寫(xiě)著寫(xiě)著就變了方向
Issue 3: It is more important to allocate money for immediate, existing social problems than to spend it on long term research that might help future generation.
Do people should spend more money to solve immediate problem rather than future generation ? The speaker asserts that it is more important to allocate money for existing problem .At the first glance, this opinion seems to be some what appealing, but further reflection tells me that I cannot agree with it for the following reasons.(開(kāi)頭怎么感覺(jué)像argument?不過(guò)這樣寫(xiě)也沒(méi)什么錯(cuò)。但我還是建議你盡量擺脫新東方模式。)
Firstly, it must be admitted that immediate, existing social problems should be resolved in a short time. Therefore, people should accumulate large number of money to solve them as soon as possible.(這里似乎少了一層過(guò)渡或者說(shuō)推理。應(yīng)該指出現(xiàn)實(shí)問(wèn)題的嚴(yán)重性和緊迫性，這樣你得therefore那句才有道理) In order to see this point clearly, let us see an example.(這樣寫(xiě)有些羅索。最簡(jiǎn)單得for example或者說(shuō)a case in point就可以了) Traffic jam is a serious problem for each modern city in which the population is very large. If government do not control this phenomenon(這個(gè)詞用得不好) go from bad to worse(control…go from bad to worse.可以這樣說(shuō)嗎？我沒(méi)有見(jiàn)過(guò)。不過(guò)你能肯定就好), the city's(用city就可以了) development will be at a standstill. A economical professor said that traffic is lifeline of the development of the economy. Thus, nothing is more significant than improving the traffic in time.(話(huà)不要說(shuō)得這么絕對(duì)) As this problem(有語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤吧?), people should spend more money on it.
Similarly, there are other problems which might cause such(這里的such好象指代不清) negative effects that people could not control them(有了前面的that,這里的them就不需要了) in the future if they do not pay more attention to these problems now.(這句話(huà)的結(jié)構(gòu)十分別扭。首先這是一個(gè)there be句型。然后你用一個(gè)which從句修飾problem,再往后又是that從句修飾前面which從句中的effetcs。最后是一個(gè)if條件從句。前面還能開(kāi)得清楚，到最后的if從句就不知道他是主句的條件從句還是定于從句中的條件從句了，如果是朱育的從句那they又指代不清。還有problem后面可以不寫(xiě)省略，你寫(xiě)得有些重復(fù)。) Such as these appearances(?這個(gè)此表示設(shè)什么意思？可以這么用嗎？), some could be solved very well immediately.(用could不好，這里表示一種緊迫性和嚴(yán)重性起碼要用should，用have to也很好) Not only traffic problem but also some pollutions are very terrible. In a recent century(During the last centruy), humanity(這個(gè)詞是人性的意思。人類(lèi)用human或者h(yuǎn)uman being) create(注意時(shí)態(tài)，用過(guò)去時(shí)或者完成時(shí)) many times achievement than any other period in the history.[During the last century, the number of achievements which human beings have achieved is as many times as people did in any period in history](這樣改一下就順多了。要注意比較的運(yùn)用和主語(yǔ)的配合。這句中的主語(yǔ)就是number) Large number of factories had been(時(shí)態(tài)又有問(wèn)題) built, which(這里指代不清，只是代詞要緊跟被修飾的詞) produce(還是時(shí)態(tài)問(wèn)題，后面的我就不指出了) so man(還有拼寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤也要十分注意.這里的man該是many吧？) waste(用復(fù)數(shù)) that they produce lots of negative effects for(for用得不好) people's health. However ,so long as the government adopt effective measure - control the factories let(？) more waste into the ecological environment, close some smallness factories - these troubles also could be avoided effectively.
這一段和上一段有些重復(fù)。上一段講的是解決現(xiàn)實(shí)問(wèn)題的重要緊迫性。這一段講得好象還是這個(gè)。我覺(jué)得既然是一個(gè)問(wèn)題，那一段寫(xiě)就行了。寫(xiě)成兩段如果沒(méi)有明顯的遞進(jìn)或者對(duì)比關(guān)系，很容易造成重復(fù)和羅索。
還有一些語(yǔ)法問(wèn)題。
1時(shí)態(tài)
2單復(fù)數(shù)
3長(zhǎng)句的使用
4詞語(yǔ)的運(yùn)用
這都是基本的問(wèn)題，一定要把握好。
Nevertheless, by contrast, the problems of environment could not be resolved in a short time. Such as these problems, which people have to spend money on long term research which might help human to change future.(后面這個(gè)which從句顯得很別扭。以后不要把幾個(gè)定語(yǔ)從句套起來(lái)用) I cannot think no better illustration than(這個(gè)雙重否定加比較我讀的很別扭) this instance(這個(gè)this instance指的又是什么？) that people cut down amounts of trees and destroy plenty of afforested land for construction which(又是一個(gè)指代不清.是construction還是包含前面destroy?) cause many environmental crisis such as greenhouse effect, the hole in the ozonosphere , etc. Such these(such和these重復(fù)了) crisis are long term problems, and nobody could solve them quickly. If people only pay attention to short-term benefits, it will be so short-sighted that the earth might not be fit for human beings to live. Consequently, people should invest enough money on long-term research, which is extraordinary essential.
In a word, people should find out a balance point between spending money on long term research and immediate problem. It is very important for humanity that whether people could solve them betimes or not.
前面的語(yǔ)法問(wèn)題就不講了，下面講講結(jié)構(gòu)上的問(wèn)題。
的問(wèn)題是分論點(diǎn)和總論點(diǎn)矛盾。總論點(diǎn)說(shuō)I cannot agree with it for the following reasons非常鮮明的反對(duì)。但在正文中卻只用了最后的一小段來(lái)說(shuō)未來(lái)的問(wèn)題，前面的兩個(gè)主題段卻都用來(lái)講了現(xiàn)實(shí)的問(wèn)題如何嚴(yán)重。
到了最后一段，又變成了people should find out a balance point.這樣的錯(cuò)誤是比較嚴(yán)重的。
還有就是每段之中的微觀結(jié)構(gòu)。第一和第二個(gè)主題段么一段的結(jié)構(gòu)都不是很好。究其原因，主要是由于重復(fù)。論點(diǎn)，例子，推理之間要有明顯的過(guò)渡和銜接，而且不要在三者之間切換得過(guò)于頻繁，這樣很容易造成結(jié)構(gòu)的混亂。
最后是例子的問(wèn)題。你這片中的例子不少，不過(guò)給我留下影響深的卻不多。就是那個(gè)traffic jam的用得還可以。那個(gè)環(huán)境污染的可能是由于語(yǔ)言表述得不很清楚，我看得也比較暈。
注意避免偏離整體方向和重復(fù)，一定要有整體觀
拋開(kāi)語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，這篇文章主要犯了以下幾個(gè)毛?。?BR> 1論點(diǎn)，主體段還有最后的總結(jié)之間缺乏一致性
2重復(fù)
寫(xiě)作的時(shí)候一定要有整體的概念，先有整體的某篇布局，再一段一段來(lái)寫(xiě)。千萬(wàn)不能只是有個(gè)大概的想法就往下寫(xiě)。這樣的結(jié)果很可能是跑題或者寫(xiě)著寫(xiě)著就變了方向
Issue 3: It is more important to allocate money for immediate, existing social problems than to spend it on long term research that might help future generation.
Do people should spend more money to solve immediate problem rather than future generation ? The speaker asserts that it is more important to allocate money for existing problem .At the first glance, this opinion seems to be some what appealing, but further reflection tells me that I cannot agree with it for the following reasons.(開(kāi)頭怎么感覺(jué)像argument?不過(guò)這樣寫(xiě)也沒(méi)什么錯(cuò)。但我還是建議你盡量擺脫新東方模式。)
Firstly, it must be admitted that immediate, existing social problems should be resolved in a short time. Therefore, people should accumulate large number of money to solve them as soon as possible.(這里似乎少了一層過(guò)渡或者說(shuō)推理。應(yīng)該指出現(xiàn)實(shí)問(wèn)題的嚴(yán)重性和緊迫性，這樣你得therefore那句才有道理) In order to see this point clearly, let us see an example.(這樣寫(xiě)有些羅索。最簡(jiǎn)單得for example或者說(shuō)a case in point就可以了) Traffic jam is a serious problem for each modern city in which the population is very large. If government do not control this phenomenon(這個(gè)詞用得不好) go from bad to worse(control…go from bad to worse.可以這樣說(shuō)嗎？我沒(méi)有見(jiàn)過(guò)。不過(guò)你能肯定就好), the city's(用city就可以了) development will be at a standstill. A economical professor said that traffic is lifeline of the development of the economy. Thus, nothing is more significant than improving the traffic in time.(話(huà)不要說(shuō)得這么絕對(duì)) As this problem(有語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤吧?), people should spend more money on it.
Similarly, there are other problems which might cause such(這里的such好象指代不清) negative effects that people could not control them(有了前面的that,這里的them就不需要了) in the future if they do not pay more attention to these problems now.(這句話(huà)的結(jié)構(gòu)十分別扭。首先這是一個(gè)there be句型。然后你用一個(gè)which從句修飾problem,再往后又是that從句修飾前面which從句中的effetcs。最后是一個(gè)if條件從句。前面還能開(kāi)得清楚，到最后的if從句就不知道他是主句的條件從句還是定于從句中的條件從句了，如果是朱育的從句那they又指代不清。還有problem后面可以不寫(xiě)省略，你寫(xiě)得有些重復(fù)。) Such as these appearances(?這個(gè)此表示設(shè)什么意思？可以這么用嗎？), some could be solved very well immediately.(用could不好，這里表示一種緊迫性和嚴(yán)重性起碼要用should，用have to也很好) Not only traffic problem but also some pollutions are very terrible. In a recent century(During the last centruy), humanity(這個(gè)詞是人性的意思。人類(lèi)用human或者h(yuǎn)uman being) create(注意時(shí)態(tài)，用過(guò)去時(shí)或者完成時(shí)) many times achievement than any other period in the history.[During the last century, the number of achievements which human beings have achieved is as many times as people did in any period in history](這樣改一下就順多了。要注意比較的運(yùn)用和主語(yǔ)的配合。這句中的主語(yǔ)就是number) Large number of factories had been(時(shí)態(tài)又有問(wèn)題) built, which(這里指代不清，只是代詞要緊跟被修飾的詞) produce(還是時(shí)態(tài)問(wèn)題，后面的我就不指出了) so man(還有拼寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤也要十分注意.這里的man該是many吧？) waste(用復(fù)數(shù)) that they produce lots of negative effects for(for用得不好) people's health. However ,so long as the government adopt effective measure - control the factories let(？) more waste into the ecological environment, close some smallness factories - these troubles also could be avoided effectively.
這一段和上一段有些重復(fù)。上一段講的是解決現(xiàn)實(shí)問(wèn)題的重要緊迫性。這一段講得好象還是這個(gè)。我覺(jué)得既然是一個(gè)問(wèn)題，那一段寫(xiě)就行了。寫(xiě)成兩段如果沒(méi)有明顯的遞進(jìn)或者對(duì)比關(guān)系，很容易造成重復(fù)和羅索。
還有一些語(yǔ)法問(wèn)題。
1時(shí)態(tài)
2單復(fù)數(shù)
3長(zhǎng)句的使用
4詞語(yǔ)的運(yùn)用
這都是基本的問(wèn)題，一定要把握好。
Nevertheless, by contrast, the problems of environment could not be resolved in a short time. Such as these problems, which people have to spend money on long term research which might help human to change future.(后面這個(gè)which從句顯得很別扭。以后不要把幾個(gè)定語(yǔ)從句套起來(lái)用) I cannot think no better illustration than(這個(gè)雙重否定加比較我讀的很別扭) this instance(這個(gè)this instance指的又是什么？) that people cut down amounts of trees and destroy plenty of afforested land for construction which(又是一個(gè)指代不清.是construction還是包含前面destroy?) cause many environmental crisis such as greenhouse effect, the hole in the ozonosphere , etc. Such these(such和these重復(fù)了) crisis are long term problems, and nobody could solve them quickly. If people only pay attention to short-term benefits, it will be so short-sighted that the earth might not be fit for human beings to live. Consequently, people should invest enough money on long-term research, which is extraordinary essential.
In a word, people should find out a balance point between spending money on long term research and immediate problem. It is very important for humanity that whether people could solve them betimes or not.
前面的語(yǔ)法問(wèn)題就不講了，下面講講結(jié)構(gòu)上的問(wèn)題。
的問(wèn)題是分論點(diǎn)和總論點(diǎn)矛盾。總論點(diǎn)說(shuō)I cannot agree with it for the following reasons非常鮮明的反對(duì)。但在正文中卻只用了最后的一小段來(lái)說(shuō)未來(lái)的問(wèn)題，前面的兩個(gè)主題段卻都用來(lái)講了現(xiàn)實(shí)的問(wèn)題如何嚴(yán)重。
到了最后一段，又變成了people should find out a balance point.這樣的錯(cuò)誤是比較嚴(yán)重的。
還有就是每段之中的微觀結(jié)構(gòu)。第一和第二個(gè)主題段么一段的結(jié)構(gòu)都不是很好。究其原因，主要是由于重復(fù)。論點(diǎn)，例子，推理之間要有明顯的過(guò)渡和銜接，而且不要在三者之間切換得過(guò)于頻繁，這樣很容易造成結(jié)構(gòu)的混亂。
最后是例子的問(wèn)題。你這片中的例子不少，不過(guò)給我留下影響深的卻不多。就是那個(gè)traffic jam的用得還可以。那個(gè)環(huán)境污染的可能是由于語(yǔ)言表述得不很清楚，我看得也比較暈。