My grandmother is an ordinary woman. Years of hard work has bent her back， grayed her hair and wrinkled （弄皺）her face. She loves me deeply.
Six years ago， I studied in Shanghai. I was a class cadre （干部）， so I often arrived home late. Each time， my grandmother would come to school to meet me. Though I had tried [tried] （1） to persuade her not to do that later [any more] （2）， shewouldn't listen to me. She said she couldn't set her mind at rest unless she herself brought me home.
One day， after school， when our class cadres were discussing some class affairs [in the classroom] （3）， a child of my neighbour's ran to our school [ran in] （4）。 He told me [said to me] （5） “It's going to rain. Your grandmother wanted [wants] （6） you to go home earlier.” Then he gave me an umbrella.
It was raining cats and dogs when the meeting was over. The raindrops falling from the roofs looked just like white glistening curtains. The rain poured on my umbrella continuously. I could hardly hold the umbrella. Loud cracks of thunder （霹霧）almost shook me down. I hid myself under the umbrella and walked hard against the rain. There was nothing but the rainwater and darkness around me. How I hoped there would be a companion （同伴）in such a heavy rain！ “Kejun … Kejun … ，”an intermittent （斷斷續(xù)續(xù)的） voice reached me. I tried to open my eyes [strained my eyes] （7）： a short， fat and a little hunch backed figure was approaching in the rain. She walked slowly with great difficulty. It was my grandmother！ “Grandma！ Grandma！ I'm here. I'm Kejun，” I cried out. I ran over to her. At the sight of her wet shirt and worried face， I felt tears coming to my eyes. In silence， I stood there supporting her and said quietly but trembly “Grandma， you shouldn't … ” I looked at her， a lump in my throat. Tears mixed with rainwater ran down my cheeks. My grandmother kindly patted me on the head saying， “Jun， let's go home.” I nodded.
遼寧省遼陽市慶陽南廠 王克軍
評 語
全文感情充沛，詞語運用準確達意，如：wouldn't listen to me， set one's mind at rest， shook me down， at the sight of 等。對grandmother的外貌和狂風暴雨的描寫也十分動人，基本上烘托出了一種作者想要達到的氣氛。文章中某些語言上的不足之處點評修改如下：
（1）過去完成時用來表示與另外某個過去動作或時間相比先發(fā)生的動作或狀態(tài)。這里tried純粹是回憶過去的動作，并無與其他過去動作比較先后之意，不必用過去完成時。
（2）later也需要用在與過去某個時間相比的場合，如：I met the man at the corner of the street one day. Six days later，I met him there again.可能作者心目中要把下面將寫到的內(nèi)容作為比較對象，但此時還沒向讀者交待，只有作者自己心里明白，就用過去完成時，用later是不妥當?shù)摹?BR> （3）、（4）原句中主從句的地點狀語沒有搭配好。
（5）tell后面一般用間接引語，直接引語用say引導較好。
（6）這里是直接引語，時態(tài)不必改成過去式?？赡茏髡呦胝f明want這個動作是在小孩傳話前發(fā)生的，其實，want這個要求在討論時依然存在，就要用一般現(xiàn)在時，用過去式反而可以理解成“現(xiàn)在不要這樣了”。
（7）原句讓人感到作者原先是閉著眼睛的，其實本意是“盡力睜大眼睛”，可用strain one's eves.
Six years ago， I studied in Shanghai. I was a class cadre （干部）， so I often arrived home late. Each time， my grandmother would come to school to meet me. Though I had tried [tried] （1） to persuade her not to do that later [any more] （2）， shewouldn't listen to me. She said she couldn't set her mind at rest unless she herself brought me home.
One day， after school， when our class cadres were discussing some class affairs [in the classroom] （3）， a child of my neighbour's ran to our school [ran in] （4）。 He told me [said to me] （5） “It's going to rain. Your grandmother wanted [wants] （6） you to go home earlier.” Then he gave me an umbrella.
It was raining cats and dogs when the meeting was over. The raindrops falling from the roofs looked just like white glistening curtains. The rain poured on my umbrella continuously. I could hardly hold the umbrella. Loud cracks of thunder （霹霧）almost shook me down. I hid myself under the umbrella and walked hard against the rain. There was nothing but the rainwater and darkness around me. How I hoped there would be a companion （同伴）in such a heavy rain！ “Kejun … Kejun … ，”an intermittent （斷斷續(xù)續(xù)的） voice reached me. I tried to open my eyes [strained my eyes] （7）： a short， fat and a little hunch backed figure was approaching in the rain. She walked slowly with great difficulty. It was my grandmother！ “Grandma！ Grandma！ I'm here. I'm Kejun，” I cried out. I ran over to her. At the sight of her wet shirt and worried face， I felt tears coming to my eyes. In silence， I stood there supporting her and said quietly but trembly “Grandma， you shouldn't … ” I looked at her， a lump in my throat. Tears mixed with rainwater ran down my cheeks. My grandmother kindly patted me on the head saying， “Jun， let's go home.” I nodded.
遼寧省遼陽市慶陽南廠 王克軍
評 語
全文感情充沛，詞語運用準確達意，如：wouldn't listen to me， set one's mind at rest， shook me down， at the sight of 等。對grandmother的外貌和狂風暴雨的描寫也十分動人，基本上烘托出了一種作者想要達到的氣氛。文章中某些語言上的不足之處點評修改如下：
（1）過去完成時用來表示與另外某個過去動作或時間相比先發(fā)生的動作或狀態(tài)。這里tried純粹是回憶過去的動作，并無與其他過去動作比較先后之意，不必用過去完成時。
（2）later也需要用在與過去某個時間相比的場合，如：I met the man at the corner of the street one day. Six days later，I met him there again.可能作者心目中要把下面將寫到的內(nèi)容作為比較對象，但此時還沒向讀者交待，只有作者自己心里明白，就用過去完成時，用later是不妥當?shù)摹?BR> （3）、（4）原句中主從句的地點狀語沒有搭配好。
（5）tell后面一般用間接引語，直接引語用say引導較好。
（6）這里是直接引語，時態(tài)不必改成過去式?？赡茏髡呦胝f明want這個動作是在小孩傳話前發(fā)生的，其實，want這個要求在討論時依然存在，就要用一般現(xiàn)在時，用過去式反而可以理解成“現(xiàn)在不要這樣了”。
（7）原句讓人感到作者原先是閉著眼睛的，其實本意是“盡力睜大眼睛”，可用strain one's eves.