My grandmother is an ordinary woman. Years of hard work has bent her back， grayed her hair and wrinkled （弄皺）her face. She loves me deeply.
Six years ago， I studied in Shanghai. I was a class cadre （干部）， so I often arrived home late. Each time， my grandmother would come to school to meet me. Though I had tried [tried] （1） to persuade her not to do that later [any more] （2）， shewouldn't listen to me. She said she couldn't set her mind at rest unless she herself brought me home.
One day， after school， when our class cadres were discussing some class affairs [in the classroom] （3）， a child of my neighbour's ran to our school [ran in] （4）。 He told me [said to me] （5） “It's going to rain. Your grandmother wanted [wants] （6） you to go home earlier.” Then he gave me an umbrella.
It was raining cats and dogs when the meeting was over. The raindrops falling from the roofs looked just like white glistening curtains. The rain poured on my umbrella continuously. I could hardly hold the umbrella. Loud cracks of thunder （霹霧）almost shook me down. I hid myself under the umbrella and walked hard against the rain. There was nothing but the rainwater and darkness around me. How I hoped there would be a companion （同伴）in such a heavy rain！ “Kejun … Kejun … ，”an intermittent （斷斷續(xù)續(xù)的） voice reached me. I tried to open my eyes [strained my eyes] （7）： a short， fat and a little hunch backed figure was approaching in the rain. She walked slowly with great difficulty. It was my grandmother！ “Grandma！ Grandma！ I'm here. I'm Kejun，” I cried out. I ran over to her. At the sight of her wet shirt and worried face， I felt tears coming to my eyes. In silence， I stood there supporting her and said quietly but trembly “Grandma， you shouldn't … ” I looked at her， a lump in my throat. Tears mixed with rainwater ran down my cheeks. My grandmother kindly patted me on the head saying， “Jun， let's go home.” I nodded.
遼寧省遼陽(yáng)市慶陽(yáng)南廠 王克軍
評(píng) 語(yǔ)
全文感情充沛，詞語(yǔ)運(yùn)用準(zhǔn)確達(dá)意，如：wouldn't listen to me， set one's mind at rest， shook me down， at the sight of 等。對(duì)grandmother的外貌和狂風(fēng)暴雨的描寫(xiě)也十分動(dòng)人，基本上烘托出了一種作者想要達(dá)到的氣氛。文章中某些語(yǔ)言上的不足之處點(diǎn)評(píng)修改如下：
（1）過(guò)去完成時(shí)用來(lái)表示與另外某個(gè)過(guò)去動(dòng)作或時(shí)間相比先發(fā)生的動(dòng)作或狀態(tài)。這里tried純粹是回憶過(guò)去的動(dòng)作，并無(wú)與其他過(guò)去動(dòng)作比較先后之意，不必用過(guò)去完成時(shí)。
（2）later也需要用在與過(guò)去某個(gè)時(shí)間相比的場(chǎng)合，如：I met the man at the corner of the street one day. Six days later，I met him there again.可能作者心目中要把下面將寫(xiě)到的內(nèi)容作為比較對(duì)象，但此時(shí)還沒(méi)向讀者交待，只有作者自己心里明白，就用過(guò)去完成時(shí)，用later是不妥當(dāng)?shù)摹?BR> （3）、（4）原句中主從句的地點(diǎn)狀語(yǔ)沒(méi)有搭配好。
（5）tell后面一般用間接引語(yǔ)，直接引語(yǔ)用say引導(dǎo)較好。
（6）這里是直接引語(yǔ)，時(shí)態(tài)不必改成過(guò)去式?？赡茏髡呦胝f(shuō)明want這個(gè)動(dòng)作是在小孩傳話前發(fā)生的，其實(shí)，want這個(gè)要求在討論時(shí)依然存在，就要用一般現(xiàn)在時(shí)，用過(guò)去式反而可以理解成“現(xiàn)在不要這樣了”。
（7）原句讓人感到作者原先是閉著眼睛的，其實(shí)本意是“盡力睜大眼睛”，可用strain one's eves.
Six years ago， I studied in Shanghai. I was a class cadre （干部）， so I often arrived home late. Each time， my grandmother would come to school to meet me. Though I had tried [tried] （1） to persuade her not to do that later [any more] （2）， shewouldn't listen to me. She said she couldn't set her mind at rest unless she herself brought me home.
One day， after school， when our class cadres were discussing some class affairs [in the classroom] （3）， a child of my neighbour's ran to our school [ran in] （4）。 He told me [said to me] （5） “It's going to rain. Your grandmother wanted [wants] （6） you to go home earlier.” Then he gave me an umbrella.
It was raining cats and dogs when the meeting was over. The raindrops falling from the roofs looked just like white glistening curtains. The rain poured on my umbrella continuously. I could hardly hold the umbrella. Loud cracks of thunder （霹霧）almost shook me down. I hid myself under the umbrella and walked hard against the rain. There was nothing but the rainwater and darkness around me. How I hoped there would be a companion （同伴）in such a heavy rain！ “Kejun … Kejun … ，”an intermittent （斷斷續(xù)續(xù)的） voice reached me. I tried to open my eyes [strained my eyes] （7）： a short， fat and a little hunch backed figure was approaching in the rain. She walked slowly with great difficulty. It was my grandmother！ “Grandma！ Grandma！ I'm here. I'm Kejun，” I cried out. I ran over to her. At the sight of her wet shirt and worried face， I felt tears coming to my eyes. In silence， I stood there supporting her and said quietly but trembly “Grandma， you shouldn't … ” I looked at her， a lump in my throat. Tears mixed with rainwater ran down my cheeks. My grandmother kindly patted me on the head saying， “Jun， let's go home.” I nodded.
遼寧省遼陽(yáng)市慶陽(yáng)南廠 王克軍
評(píng) 語(yǔ)
全文感情充沛，詞語(yǔ)運(yùn)用準(zhǔn)確達(dá)意，如：wouldn't listen to me， set one's mind at rest， shook me down， at the sight of 等。對(duì)grandmother的外貌和狂風(fēng)暴雨的描寫(xiě)也十分動(dòng)人，基本上烘托出了一種作者想要達(dá)到的氣氛。文章中某些語(yǔ)言上的不足之處點(diǎn)評(píng)修改如下：
（1）過(guò)去完成時(shí)用來(lái)表示與另外某個(gè)過(guò)去動(dòng)作或時(shí)間相比先發(fā)生的動(dòng)作或狀態(tài)。這里tried純粹是回憶過(guò)去的動(dòng)作，并無(wú)與其他過(guò)去動(dòng)作比較先后之意，不必用過(guò)去完成時(shí)。
（2）later也需要用在與過(guò)去某個(gè)時(shí)間相比的場(chǎng)合，如：I met the man at the corner of the street one day. Six days later，I met him there again.可能作者心目中要把下面將寫(xiě)到的內(nèi)容作為比較對(duì)象，但此時(shí)還沒(méi)向讀者交待，只有作者自己心里明白，就用過(guò)去完成時(shí)，用later是不妥當(dāng)?shù)摹?BR> （3）、（4）原句中主從句的地點(diǎn)狀語(yǔ)沒(méi)有搭配好。
（5）tell后面一般用間接引語(yǔ)，直接引語(yǔ)用say引導(dǎo)較好。
（6）這里是直接引語(yǔ)，時(shí)態(tài)不必改成過(guò)去式?？赡茏髡呦胝f(shuō)明want這個(gè)動(dòng)作是在小孩傳話前發(fā)生的，其實(shí)，want這個(gè)要求在討論時(shí)依然存在，就要用一般現(xiàn)在時(shí)，用過(guò)去式反而可以理解成“現(xiàn)在不要這樣了”。
（7）原句讓人感到作者原先是閉著眼睛的，其實(shí)本意是“盡力睜大眼睛”，可用strain one's eves.