When I walked[was walking]（1）across the playground the other day， I got a pleasant surprise to see some colourful kites flying in the sky above our campus， and I couldn't help slowing down to look at them. A kite flew out of sight and seemed to go back to its remote home， and the long string pulled my memory back to that wonderful spring day and that small mountain village where my grandma has ever lived[once lived]（2）。 I suppose my footprints of childhood are still in that beautiful valley， where I once excitedly flew the kite which had been made by Grandma. Mixed with the fragrance（芳香）of wild flower， and new-mown hay， the fresh country breeze blew through my hair and sent my kite to the sky. The melody of ripping[rippling]（3） streams and the songs of delighted birds have been vague[seem to be vague now]（4） but Grandma's words still ring[are still ringing]（5） in my ears：“Darling， have you got anything from a kite？…they incessantly fly upward…upward…”
Grandma always tried to instill some essence of life in my naive heart， and she had ardent expectation written on her face. Now， I find there's more to a kite that paper and string， as it also forms a bridge between earth and heaven and put me in touch with[reminds me of]（6） Grandma——she has left me， but she should forever live in Paradise. Rest in peace， Grandma， and your encouragement will accompany me to fly high as a kite！
武漢外國(guó)語(yǔ)學(xué)校 楊瓏
評(píng) 語(yǔ)
從看到放風(fēng)箏想到自己親愛(ài)的grandma，文章寫得較為動(dòng)人，文中有些句型和詞語(yǔ)也顯得較為老練，如：get a pleasant surprise to see， fly out of sight， fragrance， new-mown， there's more to a kite than…等等。但文章的時(shí)態(tài)層次不夠清楚，從“那天看到別人放風(fēng)箏”，到回想起與grandma一起放風(fēng)箏，文章后半部分用現(xiàn)在時(shí)，又給人感到是在寫這篇文章時(shí)的感想，總之，時(shí)態(tài)跳躍過(guò)快，語(yǔ)言運(yùn)用上的其他不足之處修改如下：
（1）從句動(dòng)詞改為過(guò)去進(jìn)行時(shí)后，體現(xiàn)了過(guò)去短暫時(shí)間動(dòng)作，以與主句順利銜接。
（2）根據(jù)上下文grandma已去世，不能用現(xiàn)在完成時(shí)，而要用一般過(guò)去時(shí)。
（3）這可能是rippling（起漣漪）的筆誤。
（4）現(xiàn)在完成時(shí)用得不妥。表示“一直如此”？或“結(jié)果”？好像都不恰當(dāng)。
（5）用現(xiàn)在進(jìn)行時(shí)更生動(dòng)些。
（6）原文表述太直。
Grandma always tried to instill some essence of life in my naive heart， and she had ardent expectation written on her face. Now， I find there's more to a kite that paper and string， as it also forms a bridge between earth and heaven and put me in touch with[reminds me of]（6） Grandma——she has left me， but she should forever live in Paradise. Rest in peace， Grandma， and your encouragement will accompany me to fly high as a kite！
武漢外國(guó)語(yǔ)學(xué)校 楊瓏
評(píng) 語(yǔ)
從看到放風(fēng)箏想到自己親愛(ài)的grandma，文章寫得較為動(dòng)人，文中有些句型和詞語(yǔ)也顯得較為老練，如：get a pleasant surprise to see， fly out of sight， fragrance， new-mown， there's more to a kite than…等等。但文章的時(shí)態(tài)層次不夠清楚，從“那天看到別人放風(fēng)箏”，到回想起與grandma一起放風(fēng)箏，文章后半部分用現(xiàn)在時(shí)，又給人感到是在寫這篇文章時(shí)的感想，總之，時(shí)態(tài)跳躍過(guò)快，語(yǔ)言運(yùn)用上的其他不足之處修改如下：
（1）從句動(dòng)詞改為過(guò)去進(jìn)行時(shí)后，體現(xiàn)了過(guò)去短暫時(shí)間動(dòng)作，以與主句順利銜接。
（2）根據(jù)上下文grandma已去世，不能用現(xiàn)在完成時(shí)，而要用一般過(guò)去時(shí)。
（3）這可能是rippling（起漣漪）的筆誤。
（4）現(xiàn)在完成時(shí)用得不妥。表示“一直如此”？或“結(jié)果”？好像都不恰當(dāng)。
（5）用現(xiàn)在進(jìn)行時(shí)更生動(dòng)些。
（6）原文表述太直。