Now a lot of people like to collect something， for example， stamps or coins （硬幣）。 I'm also a collector and my collection is telephone cards （電話磁卡）。 Now， I have over one thousand cards. These are related to almost every part of the world [Each of them is a beautiful picture depicting almost every aspect of the world] （1）： buildings， scenery， animals， plants and works of art. Everyone [Each of them] （2） has its own character.
The first card I'd like to tell you about is a cartoon picture named “Merry Christmas”。 It describes [portrays] （ 3 ） what children are doing on a very happy Christmas Eve： some are sending presents to their friends while others are decorating （裝飾） a Christmas tree with lovely ornaments （裝飾物）。 All over the ground is thick snow that has become colorful under the lights. However， （4） this little card shows a scene of great joy. I assure [am sure] （ 5 ） that everybody can't help feeling warm in winter on seeing it [this card] （6）。
Most of my telephone cards are of a complete set （完整的一套）。 A certain set I like best is of some exquisite （精美的） photographs of the world's famous scenic spots. They are so vivid that each time I glance over them， it seems as if I were travelling around Paris， New York， Sydney and other beautiful cities. Through them， I can comprehend [know a lot more about] （7） the world without going abroad.Providing me with knowledge and enjoyment， the telephone cards have not only increase my insight [helped me to know the world better ] （ 8 ） ， but also enriched my life. In the future days， they'll always accompany me as my good friends.
上海市李惠利中學(xué)高二（3）班 滕加琪
評 語
收集電話磁卡應(yīng)該說是一種較新興的hobby.正如作者所言，其中既有樂趣也能幫助增長知識(shí)。遺憾的是作者沒有介紹一下是如何收集這些電話磁卡的。某些不足之處點(diǎn)評修改如下：
（1）原句 be related to 的含義不清，有中國式英語之嫌，故改之。
（2）everyone合在一起寫時(shí)，意為“每個(gè)人”。改為each of them 與上句呼應(yīng)，增加文章氣勢。
（3）根據(jù) Longman 詞典，describe 一般表示用“文字描述”，這里是指圖畫，故改之。
（4）這里沒有轉(zhuǎn)折含義，However用得有些費(fèi)解，刪去為好。
（5）assure的意思是 make sure，cause to believe，這里應(yīng)該改為 am sure 較符合上下文的意思。
（6）it這里指代不清，指明 this card為好。
（7）、（8）comprehend和insight的語氣都過重了，改后較為自然明了。
The first card I'd like to tell you about is a cartoon picture named “Merry Christmas”。 It describes [portrays] （ 3 ） what children are doing on a very happy Christmas Eve： some are sending presents to their friends while others are decorating （裝飾） a Christmas tree with lovely ornaments （裝飾物）。 All over the ground is thick snow that has become colorful under the lights. However， （4） this little card shows a scene of great joy. I assure [am sure] （ 5 ） that everybody can't help feeling warm in winter on seeing it [this card] （6）。
Most of my telephone cards are of a complete set （完整的一套）。 A certain set I like best is of some exquisite （精美的） photographs of the world's famous scenic spots. They are so vivid that each time I glance over them， it seems as if I were travelling around Paris， New York， Sydney and other beautiful cities. Through them， I can comprehend [know a lot more about] （7） the world without going abroad.Providing me with knowledge and enjoyment， the telephone cards have not only increase my insight [helped me to know the world better ] （ 8 ） ， but also enriched my life. In the future days， they'll always accompany me as my good friends.
上海市李惠利中學(xué)高二（3）班 滕加琪
評 語
收集電話磁卡應(yīng)該說是一種較新興的hobby.正如作者所言，其中既有樂趣也能幫助增長知識(shí)。遺憾的是作者沒有介紹一下是如何收集這些電話磁卡的。某些不足之處點(diǎn)評修改如下：
（1）原句 be related to 的含義不清，有中國式英語之嫌，故改之。
（2）everyone合在一起寫時(shí)，意為“每個(gè)人”。改為each of them 與上句呼應(yīng)，增加文章氣勢。
（3）根據(jù) Longman 詞典，describe 一般表示用“文字描述”，這里是指圖畫，故改之。
（4）這里沒有轉(zhuǎn)折含義，However用得有些費(fèi)解，刪去為好。
（5）assure的意思是 make sure，cause to believe，這里應(yīng)該改為 am sure 較符合上下文的意思。
（6）it這里指代不清，指明 this card為好。
（7）、（8）comprehend和insight的語氣都過重了，改后較為自然明了。