At present some people in our country think that money is everything. They say that you can do everything if you have money. You can live in a beautiful house， keep a luxurious （豪華的） car and have all sorts of delicious （可口的） food.
I don't think so. Indeed， money can buy a lot of things we need. But there are many， many wonderful things in the world [that] （1） cannot be bought with money.
For example， knowledge cannot be bought with money. One cannot be rich in knowledge unless he studies hard. Friendship cannot be bought， either. There's a famous saying “A friend in need is a friend indeed”。 A story is told about a man. When he was rich ， many people wanted to be his friends . When he became poor， all of his friends left him . [， whom many people wanted to make friends with when he was rich， but all of them left him when he became poor. ] （2 ） So you see， money cannot buy real friendship.
Money can buy a gold watch， but who can buy even a second of time with money？ One cannot turn the wheel of time backwards. Time must be seized. Who keeps a more active life， who gets more time . [ He who keeps a more active life gets more time. ] （3）
There are still many other things [that] （4）cannot be boughtwith money： health， life， happiness，love and so on.Just think，if a person hasn't these things at all，is his money still useful？
Now， do you still（5） think money is everything？
上海市虹口中學(xué) 豐康妮
評(píng) 語
本文對(duì)“金錢萬能”的思想進(jìn)行了有力的反駁，舉例論理相結(jié)合，具有一定的說服力。同時(shí)語言運(yùn)用簡(jiǎn)潔明快，文中某些語言上的不足之處點(diǎn)評(píng)修改如下：
（1）、（4）句子謂語是 There are，“cannot be bought…”是“There be”句型主語 many wonderful/other things 的定語從句的謂語，故要加上關(guān)系代詞 that.
（2）這里把后面句子改為修飾前面句子 A story is told about a man中a man的定語從句，否則，a man會(huì)被誤解為“任何一個(gè)人”。
（3）原句為中國式英語：“誰……，誰就……”，故改之。
（5）still用得太主觀，好像you已經(jīng)有這樣的看法了，因此刪去為好。
I don't think so. Indeed， money can buy a lot of things we need. But there are many， many wonderful things in the world [that] （1） cannot be bought with money.
For example， knowledge cannot be bought with money. One cannot be rich in knowledge unless he studies hard. Friendship cannot be bought， either. There's a famous saying “A friend in need is a friend indeed”。 A story is told about a man. When he was rich ， many people wanted to be his friends . When he became poor， all of his friends left him . [， whom many people wanted to make friends with when he was rich， but all of them left him when he became poor. ] （2 ） So you see， money cannot buy real friendship.
Money can buy a gold watch， but who can buy even a second of time with money？ One cannot turn the wheel of time backwards. Time must be seized. Who keeps a more active life， who gets more time . [ He who keeps a more active life gets more time. ] （3）
There are still many other things [that] （4）cannot be boughtwith money： health， life， happiness，love and so on.Just think，if a person hasn't these things at all，is his money still useful？
Now， do you still（5） think money is everything？
上海市虹口中學(xué) 豐康妮
評(píng) 語
本文對(duì)“金錢萬能”的思想進(jìn)行了有力的反駁，舉例論理相結(jié)合，具有一定的說服力。同時(shí)語言運(yùn)用簡(jiǎn)潔明快，文中某些語言上的不足之處點(diǎn)評(píng)修改如下：
（1）、（4）句子謂語是 There are，“cannot be bought…”是“There be”句型主語 many wonderful/other things 的定語從句的謂語，故要加上關(guān)系代詞 that.
（2）這里把后面句子改為修飾前面句子 A story is told about a man中a man的定語從句，否則，a man會(huì)被誤解為“任何一個(gè)人”。
（3）原句為中國式英語：“誰……，誰就……”，故改之。
（5）still用得太主觀，好像you已經(jīng)有這樣的看法了，因此刪去為好。