“老師，我考試成績(jī)出來(lái)了，GPA也出來(lái)了，怎樣能最后提升一下?”“用文書(shū)做補(bǔ)充提升。”“老師，我的硬成績(jī)不理想，但是已經(jīng)定型了，怎么辦?”“用文書(shū)做補(bǔ)救性的展現(xiàn)。”到了申請(qǐng)季，文書(shū)仿佛成了萬(wàn)金油、大還丹。那么如何寫出一封真正的好文書(shū)呢?
Personal Statement
Motivation
My friends were shocked, when they learned I was determined to give up the high-paid, decent job as a Chief Instructor in New Oriental (a New York Stock listed company) and as the Shanghai Branch Manager of the ETS TOEFL Junior China Management Center to pursue graduate study in public policy in the US. But to me, this decision has been a hard-earned, long-cherished answer in my heart. Should I continue my teaching career, I could enlighten hundreds of students per year, helping them master the English language skills and secure a promising future. However, when I guided the high school students in China on their SAT and TOEFL preparation, I was thinking maybe one day they could receive the best education here in China; when I visited and raised books for children in the most impoverished counties in rural China, the earnest for knowledge I read from the local children’s eyes drove me to seek more educational resources and effective and equitable educational policies. With five-year working experience as an educator, I gradually find my inner voice: a meaningful purpose of my life is to make a difference of the educational system in China, structurally and revolutionarily, to increase the educational quality and equity here.
Background
At the initial stage of the implementation of China’s reform and opening-up policy, I was born into a family where many generations have been senior Chinese intellectuals and actively involved in the educational arena. The most noteworthy and most influential on my growth is my grandfather, who is an old-generation Chinese mathematician and have been teaching mathematics for decades. Therefore, on the one hand, I have been witnessing China’s rapid economic growth and social progress coupled with its asymmetric political and educational system reform; on the other hand, I had the opportunity to be greatly inspired and motivated by my parents and grandparents, all of whom have been involved in teaching for decades and have trained hundreds of students to become the elite of many professionals.
Experience
Under familial influence and out of my passion for English, upon graduation from college in 2007, I started my career as an English teacher in Only Education and later in New Oriental Group. My previous working experience and outstanding performance in the most influential educational organizations in China, focusing on English training to high school and college students, earned me the opportunity to stand out and speak loud. Rather than following the spoon-feed pedagogy, I introduced innovative approaches to inspire students to think, learn, and apply. I brought forward the suggestions that experienced foreign teachers should be invited to teach students social study, literature and history to make up for students’ common weakness in humanistic disciplines and to make them more rounded. I also came up with many new ideas to improve students’ learning ability, such as the measure of combining study sessions and psychological counseling sessions together. My teaching capacity, English language proficiency and strong communication skills allowed me to help 50,000 students by far make significant progress in English learning. The intensive teaching practice, in the meantime, exposes me to the deplorable fact: Chinese students had been trained mechanically who might get a top score but possess little practical ability, caused by the historical and long-entrenched test-oriented system. It drove me to dedicate my life-long career to improve this situation and contribute to the formulating process of China’s education policy and reform.
This aspiration is reinforced as I witnessed the prevalent educational inequity between rural and urban areas in China. In early 2011, noticing that there were many talented kids were cheated out of education opportunities by poverty in rural areas in Hunan Province, I initiated the “Passing Thoughts”, a book-raising campaign aimed to provide teaching support for the local primary schools. The needs for books, stationeries, teaching facilities, are huge and could not be met by individual efforts. I need to seek more positive influence from the society and help more poor children. Realizing the importance of reaching out, I shared my idea and teamed up with my friends, some of whom are famous educators in China and even the world. We leveraged our social network and sought external supports from educational training organizations, publishing companies, NPOs, and enterprises both home and abroad. In addition to the direct approach, I started threads through influential social networking service web sites such as facebook, tweeter, renren.com, etc. I also liaised with the local media to expand this event and successfully bring in significant social attention. Out of our multifold endeavors, we managed to secure 1,800+ books, 30+ chairs, 2 Ping-Pong tables, and a great number of stationeries for two local schools within two months. Now we’re trying to extend the influence of this campaign to more rural areas in West China, striving for more education opportunities for the underprivileged kids.
Goals
Reflecting on President Kennedy’s exhortation that 'Ask not what your country can do for you –ask what you can do for your country', I find it imperative for me to plunge into a career of advancing the education policy for my country. My professional goal is to work in governmental sectors as an education policy maker in China. I aspire to make positive social changes in the realm of education, ameliorating the educational system reform and facilitating the educational equity of the nation.
To achieve my goal, the analytic framework and practical skills in public service are indispensable. I therefore aspire to pursue the Master of Public Policy (MPP) program at Harvard Kennedy School (HKS), through which I will gain systematic knowledge and real-world insights on public policy analysis and policy making process. I plan to concentrate on the Social and Urban Policy and probe into the study of educational policy. I will also take advantage of the experiential learning in the Policy Analysis Exercise and research opportunity at HKS. I believe the rewarding study in the MPP program at HKS will provide me the most ideal platform to become a public leader and reshape the education system in China in the future.
《留學(xué)》雜志明星顧問(wèn)胡元平老師點(diǎn)評(píng)
首先，這是一篇非常完整的申請(qǐng)文書(shū)，包涵了學(xué)校希望申請(qǐng)者在personal statement(個(gè)人陳述)里提供的幾大要素：申請(qǐng)的項(xiàng)目及具體方向，相關(guān)背景和經(jīng)歷以及職業(yè)規(guī)劃。其次，申請(qǐng)者本身在教育行業(yè)的工作經(jīng)歷和想要申請(qǐng)項(xiàng)目有合理的邏輯和比較強(qiáng)的關(guān)聯(lián)度，這是申請(qǐng)者背景中一個(gè)很大的優(yōu)勢(shì)。這一優(yōu)勢(shì)在文書(shū)中得到了充分的體現(xiàn)，整體的素材都是圍繞著Education(教育)這一個(gè)主旨展開(kāi)，結(jié)構(gòu)清晰明了，可以讓招生官迅速準(zhǔn)確地抓住最關(guān)鍵的信息。美國(guó)的研究生項(xiàng)目通常需要學(xué)生在一個(gè)大框架下選擇一個(gè)方向，所以明確地表達(dá)自己的專業(yè)興趣是招生官非常愿意看到的文書(shū)內(nèi)容，也是很多MPA和MPP院校明確要求申請(qǐng)者在文書(shū)中陳述的。再次，申請(qǐng)者作為一名資深的TOEFL老師，語(yǔ)言上自然是沒(méi)得說(shuō)。讀起來(lái)順暢自然，也很有節(jié)奏感。尤其值得一提的是多樣化的句式和地道的用詞。敘述和描寫相結(jié)合，在效果上遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)優(yōu)于通篇都是I開(kāi)頭的文書(shū)。當(dāng)然，這篇PS也還有一些可以改進(jìn)的地方。第一，最好不用小標(biāo)題的格式，而是重新安排段落或者增加過(guò)渡句來(lái)自然體現(xiàn)行文的邏輯。第二，最后一段可以再詳細(xì)寫一下為什么想要申請(qǐng)Harvard。美國(guó)學(xué)校的申請(qǐng)作為一個(gè)雙向選擇的過(guò)程，招生官也是非?？粗厣暾?qǐng)者對(duì)于項(xiàng)目的了解和期待。
《留學(xué)》雜志明星顧問(wèn)陳永江老師點(diǎn)評(píng)
整片文章由于篇幅較長(zhǎng)，有1000words(單詞)，為了保證文章的可讀性，我們采用了分標(biāo)題的方式，使得讀者可以非常快速地獲得相應(yīng)的信息。文章的鋪陳方式是非常直接、樸實(shí)、坦誠(chéng)的。申請(qǐng)者把自己的工作、家庭背景、教育相關(guān)的經(jīng)歷有機(jī)地鋪陳開(kāi)來(lái)，通過(guò)這些經(jīng)歷，反映申請(qǐng)者對(duì)教育公平性這一社會(huì)問(wèn)題的思考以及所做出的努力。此外，除了介紹自己的教學(xué)方面的工作經(jīng)歷，申請(qǐng)者還把自己建立非營(yíng)利組織為山里的孩子籌集書(shū)籍的經(jīng)歷進(jìn)行詳細(xì)地闡述，充分體現(xiàn)了她身上有public leader(社會(huì)領(lǐng)袖)所具備的潛質(zhì)，最終被哈佛大學(xué)肯尼迪政府學(xué)院的公共政策專業(yè)(碩士)錄取。
《留學(xué)》雜志明星顧問(wèn)柴麗盎老師點(diǎn)評(píng)
本篇個(gè)人陳述從最重要的申請(qǐng)理由、背景、經(jīng)歷和申請(qǐng)目標(biāo)四個(gè)方面展開(kāi)了一系列的詳細(xì)闡述。四個(gè)部分銜接性很好，整篇文章連貫性很強(qiáng)，給人以一種比較強(qiáng)的整體感。第一段著重介紹了個(gè)人申請(qǐng)的理由。開(kāi)頭引人入勝，突出了自己出國(guó)留學(xué)的決定并且用后面讓步和轉(zhuǎn)折性的兩句話從側(cè)面佐證了決定的合理性。接著，作者結(jié)合了自己的實(shí)際工作經(jīng)驗(yàn)，從比較大的立意角度詳細(xì)說(shuō)明了個(gè)人留學(xué)申請(qǐng)的原因。第二段主要描述了個(gè)人的家庭背景，出生在教育世家使得作者從小耳濡目染，為下面和教育相關(guān)的工作經(jīng)歷做了很好的鋪墊。如果這部分再加上個(gè)人詳細(xì)的學(xué)術(shù)背景，可能效果會(huì)更好，因?yàn)樵诹魧W(xué)的個(gè)人陳述中學(xué)術(shù)背景是學(xué)校評(píng)估學(xué)生的一個(gè)重要環(huán)節(jié)。第三段分兩部分詳細(xì)說(shuō)明了個(gè)人的工作經(jīng)歷，這也是申請(qǐng)學(xué)校時(shí)最有說(shuō)服力和展現(xiàn)出自己閃光點(diǎn)的地方。
第一部分按照遞進(jìn)的方式對(duì)工作經(jīng)歷進(jìn)行了介紹并指出了當(dāng)前中國(guó)教育存在的問(wèn)題。首先介紹了自己擁有一個(gè)較高的工作平臺(tái)，并且在教育領(lǐng)域有著出色的工作能力和突出表現(xiàn)。然后，指出了在工作過(guò)程中發(fā)現(xiàn)中國(guó)當(dāng)前教育體制存在的一些缺陷和不足—應(yīng)試教育導(dǎo)致許多高分低能的學(xué)生。第二部分指出了中國(guó)教育存在的另外一個(gè)明顯缺陷—教育資源分布不均。同時(shí)，也詳細(xì)介紹了作者對(duì)此所做出的實(shí)際努力和表現(xiàn)。這就使得自己的申請(qǐng)理由更加充分，申請(qǐng)陳述對(duì)學(xué)校來(lái)說(shuō)有了更加切實(shí)的說(shuō)服力。此段兩個(gè)部分最后都暗示了作者肩負(fù)的責(zé)任感和發(fā)展方向。最后一部分講了留學(xué)的目標(biāo)。開(kāi)頭就引用了美國(guó)前總統(tǒng)肯尼迪的名言，豐富了語(yǔ)言和文章內(nèi)容，也合理引出了自己所要努力的目標(biāo)—為中國(guó)的教育體制改革做出應(yīng)有的努力和貢獻(xiàn)。提出目標(biāo)后，作者緊接著又描述了自己將要在美國(guó)所學(xué)的具體的實(shí)踐性課程，然后用這些課程所學(xué)到的知識(shí)為本段開(kāi)頭所提出的具體目標(biāo)服務(wù)。整篇文章結(jié)構(gòu)非常嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)，各個(gè)段落間連貫性很強(qiáng)，重點(diǎn)突出且相互關(guān)聯(lián)，承接自然。語(yǔ)言比較生動(dòng)，用詞準(zhǔn)確，多使用正式的書(shū)面語(yǔ)詞匯，如ameliorate, exhortation等。作者還運(yùn)用了定語(yǔ)從句、狀語(yǔ)從句、分詞短語(yǔ)等一系列句式結(jié)構(gòu)，用詞準(zhǔn)確，句式多樣，行文流暢，表達(dá)地道?？傮w來(lái)說(shuō)，這是一篇文字優(yōu)美，內(nèi)容充實(shí)，思路清晰，結(jié)構(gòu)嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)且極具說(shuō)服力的個(gè)人陳述。
《留學(xué)》非盈利推薦
胡元平
本科畢業(yè)于浙江大學(xué)新聞系，研究生畢業(yè)于美國(guó)密歇根州立大學(xué)公共關(guān)系專業(yè)。加入北京新東方前途以來(lái)，一直擔(dān)任美研二部咨詢顧問(wèn)一職，積累了豐富的文書(shū)和網(wǎng)申經(jīng)驗(yàn)。“幫助每一個(gè)學(xué)生認(rèn)識(shí)自己，了解自己并且成就自己，是我的責(zé)任，也是我工作中滿足感的來(lái)源。”
陳永江
金東方留學(xué)文書(shū)部經(jīng)理，金牌文書(shū)寫作專家，專業(yè)從事美國(guó)、英國(guó)、加拿大、香港等大學(xué)的留學(xué)和訪學(xué)文書(shū)寫作達(dá)5年，幫助數(shù)百位客戶成功申請(qǐng)到理想的院校，包括哈佛大學(xué)、哥倫比亞大學(xué)、牛津大學(xué)、華盛頓大學(xué)圣路易斯、康奈爾大學(xué)、喬治城大學(xué)、威廉瑪麗學(xué)院等世界級(jí)名校。專注于美國(guó)本科和研究生高端文書(shū)寫作，曾幫助多名學(xué)生拿下哈佛大學(xué)、斯坦福大學(xué)、普林斯頓大學(xué)等Top10綜合類大學(xué)及安默斯特學(xué)院、明德學(xué)院等多所頂級(jí)文理學(xué)院的本科新生或轉(zhuǎn)學(xué)錄取錄取通知。創(chuàng)下的成績(jī)包括幫助無(wú)GRE成績(jī)、雅思6.5的一所工科學(xué)校英語(yǔ)系學(xué)生拿到南加州大學(xué)的錄取;GPA沒(méi)上2.9、排名較靠后的三本院校學(xué)生拿到了商學(xué)院排名37的德州大學(xué)達(dá)拉斯校區(qū)商學(xué)院的錄取通知等等。
柴麗盎
環(huán)球北美考試院北美考試院銷售部課程顧問(wèn)。麻辣爽快的85后北京妞，擅于為學(xué)生制定詳細(xì)的備考和申請(qǐng)時(shí)間規(guī)劃，迅速在學(xué)員和家長(zhǎng)心目中積累起良好口碑。在問(wèn)及客戶為何如此信任她的秘訣時(shí)，她說(shuō)，其實(shí)很簡(jiǎn)單，時(shí)刻保持一顆同理心，“我總在思考，如果我是客戶，我有什么需求。”